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The divinity of mental infancy

Author: runaway_poet
ASL Info:    21/m/limbo
Elite Ratio:    6.2 - 42 /41 /21
Words: 139
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1045
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 795


just somthing i wrote out of boredom im not quite sure if it will makes sense or not but enjoy anyway

The divinity of mental infancy

Vivid colours
cling to life like burs

blurs of shapes of life of time frozen
to be at awe at the briliance of the golden horizon

the wind rapps and embraces me in its dance
whispering storys of luck and chance

the fragrance of seasons warm the soul
the scent of fall im glad i stole

hearing the breaze through the trees
its hard to leave the times like theese

night spice is like a narcotic all on its own its taste its scent
ebracing it is a sin to repent

and as i metamorphize from time
life no longeris a rhym

just random splashes of what was once beautifull insanity
what i know call Divinity of mental infancy

Submitted on 2005-09-21 08:46:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Well, like everyone else, I say, first FIX THOSE MISSPELLINGS! It's tremendously important to the enjoyment and sometimes understanding of a piece to have words spelled correctly.

Then, I think some of your wording needs a little tweaking. Some of it, however, is very good.

I like your first couplet. Original and evocative.
The second one, however, is something else again.

blurs of shapes of life of time frozen
to be at awe at the briliance of the golden horizon

I'm not sure I know at all what your first line is trying to say to me. I do get the second line, but the first one is so tangled that it's hard to get through it to the second line.

The next couplet, again, is very good. I love the wind whispering its stories (note the spelling of stories)

Your next couplet is a bit simple compared to the previous ones. It sounds rather like a child's rhyme. I'll bet if you tried you could come up with something with more depth and color to it.

Ditto on the trees/breeze lines.

Your next line - night spice - is very good, but the rhyme is positively stinky. Why waste that lovely evocative first line on that rhyme? It's like you didn't even try.

And your final two couplets descend into childish nonsense, as if you'd carried on too long and just wanted it to end.

Your ideas here are good and could be very interesting. I feel as though you didn't put a whole lot of thought into this - which would fit with writing it out of boredom, I guess. It would have been nice to read something that felt as though you'd made an effort. mae
| Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Mabe I"m weird, but some of this made me laugh. Did you spell' these' like ' theese' on purpose to make it rhyme with 'trees'? Probably not, because it would rhyme anyway. Words are strange, aren't they? You can put them together randomly, which is what it seems like you did, and still get some kind of meaning there. You obviously have originality and talent, but something about it... well, I've just seen better. The most solid critisism I could give is that you need to fix those typos. Just keep working and you'll come out into your work.
| Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really a good piece of work. The words you use to express captures all. I especially love the 6th stanza. The ending you created is powerful. This is good even though you said you was bored. Well, I would love to see your creative writing when you are not so! take care, wanda
| Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a damn good write for something out of boredom. The spelling needs a bit of work but thats it. I really liked the "night spice is like a narcotic all on its own its taste its scent" just reading that line I felt I could really taste and smell the night. Although the very first line seems a little short compared to the others, that bothered me a tad.
| Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by Alyss | [ Reply to This ]

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