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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a mistakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bluecrane
    ASL Info:    19/F/WASHINGTON
    Elite Ratio:    3.61 - 70/83/26
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 411



    Description:
       i don't know i just felt inspired to write, it probly sux big though because of my massive writers block


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa mistakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    she dreams of this world
    without her in it
    asking herself if she was a mistake
    and feeling as if she doesn't belong
    she hides in her room
    and drowns out her family
    they are happier without her
    the day she dies,
    no one notices she is gone
    a mistake is no longer
    she finds a place where she belongs
    and her soul is at peace




    Submitted on 2005-09-21 13:15:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Suicide is really too common of a topic to use with such blatant words. Too generic, and it makes the poem seem unoriginal. Thats no good. Try and reword everything that you say so that the sentence has the same meaning, but one has to be intelligent in order to decipher exactly what you were going for. Just a suggestion. Keep trying.
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Skeletor | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, I've thought about suicide too, but I don't like condoning or promoting it. I know you're depressed, and I am too. My family is really rude to me, and the people at my job treat me like a moron, but I love my mom, my brother, my boyfriend, my cat. I've known several people who killed themselves, and my brother has tried it a few times recently, but there were always people who cared. One girl was like me. Everyone picked on her at school, and we were best friends (probably my only friend then). You have no idea what it did to her mom and me.
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, block eh? that's bad, but at least youw rote this, so it ain't terminal!

    Nice little idea, I agree with Jen re expanding, and just to give you something else to think about, try and be as frugal as you can with "she" and "her"

    "she dreams of this world
    without her in it
    asking herself if she was a mistake
    and feeling as if she doesn't belong
    she hides in her room
    and drowns out her family"

    "She dreams of this world
    without existing in it
    asking if she were a mistake
    and doesn't belong
    hiding in a dark room
    drowning out the family and the world"

    Just as a very quick example, up to you, but the idea's ok, and you certainly did a good job of it

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      if you died...we would be short of some really good poetry. and much else besides. at times the world may seem cold and unloving...and sometimes it is. but you have to look at yourself and say does it matter what others think about me? i rock. everyone else can [censored] off. besides...everyone has something to contribute. i suggest you read my write...it might help you understand what im saying better. it is called untitled and is my featured write. you might be the one to spread worldwide peace in the future. dont give up....i almost did and then i realized...i cant die. its not fair to everyone else. who knows what i might become in the future...and im glad i didnt give up. i have saved 4 people's lives. it wouldnt be fair to them if they died because i wasnt there for them
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by Nirvana | [ Reply to This ]
      I have thought about this world without me in it and realized...sheesh...alot of people and things would suffer. And I think thats true of every individual. But thats just my opinion.

    The first two lines were pretty dern catchy and a unique way of pulling the reader into this daydream. I liked it. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      this was just a begining and end it seemed.
    though i think the subject it a good one for the fact that it is something easy to relate to.

    i hate writters block.. but this could help you get over it.
    try re-writting it. but expand your vision, tell us what happened. though you can still use vivid words.
    think about the story and write what you feel, though it is much easier said then done.

    this has alot of good points in here.

    'she dreams of this world
    without her in it
    asking herself if she was a mistake'

    how many people asks themselves this? tons and tons...
    its one that almost everyone can feel.
    but dont just make it sad then move onto..

    'a mistake is no longer
    she finds a place where she belongs
    and her soul is at peace'

    its happy, the end.. tada.
    its too quick. expand on the feelings of being alone, and being rejected and how much it really does hurt.
    then tell how she found that place, the she was accepted and how she found peace.
    i really like the line..
    her soul was at peace.
    it has alot of meaning to it.

    i hoped this atleast helped a little. im not trying to be mean, i just wish i would of gotten this when i had writters block! heh..
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


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