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    dots Submission Name: undaunteddots

    Author: smlaw
    ASL Info:    18/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 56/37/10
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 1321
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 367

       i haven't written any poetry for a couple of years, but i was doing some excercises for an astronomy class and this just came to me. please tell me what you think and give me any ideas on how to improve it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    darkness grows as the scarlet ship sinks below the green waves.

    in the distance you can see a white ship on the horizon coming to its aide, but it is too late for the scarlet ship has sunk and can no longer be reached.

    yet determined to save it, the white ship continues on undaunted; only to repeat the same failure over and over again.

    Submitted on 2005-09-21 23:19:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice piece. I really like it. It just needs some work.

    Break the existing stanza's into lines. Like for instance the first stanza you have could look like:
    darkness grows
    as the scarlet ship sinks below
    the green waves.
    Just a suggestion though, I think it would really help the flow of the piece. Other than that, I think the message of failure but never giving up is great...well if that is the message, but that's what I got from it.

    Have a great day!
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this sounds like something I came up with in my real life ways... go after what you want... even if you fail and try over and over again... that is all I have to say, but other than that it is an awesome write. so yeah, THNX

    - Nammy
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with everyone else on this, it is just too short and needs just a little more depth to it. Not that anyone wants a novel, just a better understanding.
    Oh and we're supposed to learn from our mistakes and never do it again!
    This was very beautiful as far as your words are concerned, but I think a bit more background and soul would be easier on your readers. Please keep writing and if you do decide to add on to this one, do let me know!
    | Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I dunno, I think you said what you wanted to say.

    The scarlet ship being the heart, and the white ship being love, as time after time the heart breaks with another failed love, and then love persistently lifts hope again.

    I liked it.

    Be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this though I think it can be expanded upon. The feeling of not learning from past mistakes and that vibe shot through loud and clear with a short and simple write. Nicely done but still wish there was more to it. Hopefully you will add to it. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This has potential, it is just too short. It almost seems...hollow. Like there is just so much more to be told. Add a few more stanzas and I think this could be a great write! Can't wait to read more!
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Geraldine | [ Reply to This ]

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