[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Laney & Lightdots

    Author: CleoCollier
    ASL Info:    40/F/South
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 83/84/26
    Words: 399
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 987
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2711

       Have at it, ya bunch of word freaks! I say that with the greatest affection, I really do. Because you are all marvelous...
    Hoping for provocative spiritual comments. Or comments on a child's daydreaming, & where that leads.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLaney & Lightdots

    At 5:15 Laney sprints outside for
    her ritual afternoon renaissance
    to hold her breath at the painful beauty
    of the sun setting ablaze the
    hickory and tupelo trees in the
    most living light she's ever seen. She sends

    her joy soaring in a reverent
    flight through the gilded leaves to join an angel
    blue, low-gliding heron, and wonders
    if life looks so blessed from the northwest
    bank of the creek. An hour

    later fireflies begin a desultory
    dance among the damaged knees bottoms trees,
    inattentive trees, her mother muses.
    The lightning bugs flicker like
    lingering spirits whose bodies were
    snuffed by a fire in '55.

    Next day on the way home from
    Smiley Brothers' Buffalo Farm she views
    a vermilion sun in a shimmering
    building slanting toward the highway.
    Laney notices the car is a split-

    second ahead of its mirrored twin,
    and at the moment she longs for a
    shifted slant, to see into the future
    one hundred startled birds
    transpose their image on her sun.

    That night in bed Laney blurs her
    eyes a bit to make the hall light beams
    reach out to her. She does it
    every night and fancies when they touch
    her she will fall asleep to pleasant

    dreams. For some odd reason "ascension
    into heaven" runs through her mind,
    and Laney is enveloped by an

    God must be light not
    metaphorically, like the way, the truth,
    but simply-an idea unadorned.
    That would explain how God is not
    male or female (she always thought

    God too fatherly). God as light
    would not be judgemental, vengeful,
    jealous. God would punish only as
    we see reflections, becoming
    connoisseurs of mirrors to punish

    ourselves. God would be the chiseled, ruby
    laser, snipping, zapping, giving
    people second chances. Spotlight men
    would be high priests, emerging from
    their incensed chambers to bathe our
    icons for their mass processions.

    Television would be a matrix
    of damnation, mere humans using
    God the light to send a message:

    consume, ignore, exploit, be bored.

    God as light does not frighten Laney.
    She knows the laws of nature,
    refraction, optical illusions are
    allowed. At ten years of age she is
    too innocent to think herself

    Submitted on 2005-09-22 09:15:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I try to maintain my view of Life/Spirituality through the eyes of a child ~ my inner child actually wins out & I think I have, maybe somewhere, an inner adult!
    I enjoyed this light and daydreamy piece and felt it wonderfully and honestly written.
    I think that using the light as God is good and like the girl, her thoughts of the divine are amazement at all that light shines upon.
    Very good girl!
    Love,Peace,Joy! tif
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi. This was one of the BEST things I'd ever written until you stayed on the God thing. Now, Fel, this is only personal, but it lost it for me. If it were my poem, I'd stop it at the "flash" and put in the last stanza. Like I said, that's only me. The first bit, uo to flash, was simply far too good, I'm in awe of writing like that, coz I can't do it.

    Be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting that you listed that as a Religious poem. I just had the feeling that we were viewing things from the eyes of a child. In fact, I felt the first part of the poem was much better written than the last, more religious part. Perhaps that's just because of I don't necessarily agree with the conclusions drawn in the last part - and that would make my dissatisfaction with the writing my own fault and not your writing at all. Ah well, enough of that.

    You are very quickly becoming one of my favorite writers. I loved the form of this, where the sentences in your last lines of the stanzas were split to the next stanza. I would have liked to have seen that carried through with more consistency, but I suspect you didn't do that purposely. Perhaps to vary our experience somewhat.

    Then there were the images that Laney saw in the first part - incredibly expressive. I thought your description of the car's reflection bordered on genius. That's my favorite stanza - rather, pair of stanzas - in the whole poem. I saw it all perfectly and experienced her joy with her as the flock of birds intruded into the reflection.

    I'm sorry, but I just didn't care for the last part. I got the feeling that it was supposed to be a child's way of understanding God, but it actually came off as condemning God {God too fatherly). God as light/would not be judgemental, vengeful,/jealous. God would punish only as/we see reflections, becoming
    connoisseurs of mirrors to punish}

    The poem lost its light, wondrous feel in the last part.

    There are one or two typos that you might want to fix, nothing big - actually, there was only one "Televsion would be a matrix" - you missed an i in television. Other than that single typo, your spelling and grammar are perfect. THANK YOU!

    I enjoyed this, with the exceptions stated. I must go now to read other of your writings. I have some catching up on you to do! mae
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]