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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Waiting For Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: SHRINKSDR
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 476/375/39
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1302
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1321



    Description:
       I'd like to thank Graeme King (Wewak11) for his helpful input!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaiting For Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Waiting For You

    Molasses
    Fills my clock
    I sit, I stand, I drum my nails
    Now a tick but where’s the tock?
    This torture never fails!

    Lava
    Fills my veins!
    I rant, I rave, and loudly rail,
    I tap my foot annoyed,
    I’m ready now to blow my brains
    But all to no avail.

    As steam
    Escapes my ears,
    The door swings open wide
    And dancing, smiling eyes appear
    An Angel steps inside.

    Her Light
    Dazzles my vision,
    As she breezes close to me.
    Lips touch mine without a sound
    In soft but hot collision!

    A voice,
    So soft and sweet
    Says “I hope you weren’t waiting”!
    “Why not at all”, I blurt out loud
    My anger now abating.

    Her arms
    Around my waist,
    Her body pressed to mine.
    My irritation flies in haste,
    As chills run up my spine!

    A hand
    Takes mine and leads the way,
    To a warm and quiet place,
    Where we will romp and play
    And I’ll kiss that lovely face.

    And so
    Until the next time,
    When this Tiger fumes and roars!
    I’m just a happy pussy cat,
    That an Angel has de-clawed.




    Submitted on 2005-09-22 15:09:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi Steve,
    At the beginning, I was just thinking that you were in a waiting room at the Dr.'s office where "This torture never fails."

    Then out comes this beautiful angelic nurse immediately calming you down... & more.
    I loved the way you switched from one emotion to the other.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Steve

    This is one of your best pieces. I really like the contrast between the pent up emotion while your waiting and the sudden peace when she shows up.

    Good stuff!

    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem shows alot of emotion anger and frustration about waiting for your love and then the heart gets relief when the love has returned and the poem ends with that I truely enjoyed this werite Steve your poems always touch me in some way and you can feel the passion in your writing very well expressed poem here and I hope your writing never loses that Steve.
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello Steve,

    I think you are on a wonderful track with the write with your metaphoric images.

    st1: molasses commonly when I think of molasses (its physical properties) I think of a liquid with a very high viscosity. Taking that secondary image and superimposing that onto the primary clock image, I get a something that has a slowing effect on time or the viewer’s perception of time to where it is slowed. This does give a nice effect to what is said on lines 3-5 It makes it more dramatic for me visually in my minds eye. Now the tick does fight the molasses image in a sense of: would you hear that? BUT that may be a clever slang use of the word tick as in upset to be ticked, that may explain the second half of the verse where is the tock when thinking of the sound aspect.

    st2: This stanza is not quite as mysterious as the first one; the lava in the veins is a good exaggerative statement. It does color the lines of being angered quite well.

    st3: The steam of course I can easily think of blowing of some steam. The entrance of the angel does not relate to the image provided as much as the lava did for the anger and the molasses to the waiting. Though I must think the reason for that must be simply this: that it was more important to focus on the angel coming though the open door.

    st4: The light stanza brought it into a great comparative mode. I like the dazzle the vision does relate superbly, the lips touching without a sound also wonderfully done, in a soft and warm collision also magnificent.

    st5: a voice, all through this stanza I sense its impact of its origin and its effect for the character on the last line.

    st6: again with her arms I see the same effect as I see in the 5th stanza.

    st7: here the passion is great with the metaphor dying down, it is focused on the romance of the moment.

    st8: this last stanza, I like the tiger turning into a pussy cat, that is a pleasant reduction.

    I think this is a great illustration of anger being snuffed by someone loved. I do like the metaphor in this write; it drifts in and out almost like the spontaneity of the moment.
    well done Steve,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Steve,

    This is brilliant!

    I love the description of the emotional change within. It's something I think most can relate to. I know how pissy(insecure) I can get waiting for someone I love, and how pussy-cat like I become when the insecurites are abolished.

    A very nice form, I haven't seen it before, but I like the way it plays with the words.

    I liked this a lot!!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      Aaaaaah the power of a lady
    Sounds as if in this write that such a lady worth waiting for was found. All that frustration was turned into rapture. That motivates one to take control by the passion that has built during the waiting, if one seizes the moment.
    Instead of melting, take control. I'm sure those passionate kisses can cause your lady to melt and be puddy in your hands.
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Dteve
    This was written very well
    I really enjoyed reading this
    I agree with Graeme the first stanza is really powerful and draws you into the read
    Great Write!
    Your Friend
    Ron

    And Please by all means put out your christmas tree poiem on the site I would really love to read it
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      And this is proof that we females are the greater sex! lol Had it been a female waiting and fuming it would have taken a HELL OF A LOT more then a gentle kiss and laughing eyes to get us to go romp and play...in fact if it were a woman that man would be on p*ssy restriction...you may not touch, look or think of the p*ssy until further notice. lol

    anyhoo...I loved this...I myself always see how far I can push a males button and then bring them right back to my palm ;) :D
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cute, Steve, smiled all the way though it. I loved how you immediately became tamed the minute she walked into the room. Just enough tease in here to keep the interest flowing to the end of the poem. Good rhyming and flow. An enjoyable read.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww Steve! Are you just a happy pussy cat?? hee hee!Isn't it just amazing what a little romp and play will do for your mood? haha!This was such a cute and fun poem. I smiled all the way through this! This is very well written and and just cute cute cute! Each stanza builds just beautifully onto the next and it keeps it tempo right through to this cute ending! hee hee! You do realize that us women know when we are in trouble and we also know just how to get out of the hole we dug! And usually we are successful! haha! Boy I tell ya I just had fun reading this one! Your poems always offer me some kind of wonderful read! This is indeed great work! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice piece here. You seem to write a lot about her; she's got you wrapped around her little finger, doesn't she? ;-)

    Nice humorous touches here, and I liked the description of how she 'defuses' you. Loved 'In soft but hot collision.' That's a wonderful line!

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this very much Steve.
    you have done another very lovely poem.
    it really does amaze me how you can take something so everyday and turn it into something so beautiful.
    your discriptions really made this piece.

    'Molasses
    Fills my clock'

    'Lava
    Fills my veins'

    'Her Light
    Dazzles my vision
    As she breezes close to me
    Lips touch mine without a sound
    In soft but hot collision '

    just a few of my favorite.
    you did a amazing job on this piece. the flow of this piece was perfect in harmony with the words.
    i tip my hat to you. i enjoyed this very much, if you could not tell ;)
    take care and i hope to hear from you soon.
    ~jenn

    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Steve, this grabs one right from the start: "molasses fills my clock" !!!! what an image that conjures!!

    The rest is just as good, a very light-hearted description of love and frustration.

    Great stuff!

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely written Steve. I enjoyed reading it through and taking in the scene you so acurately described. You have a great way of expressing each emotion and feeling, that I feel as if I'm too, having these moments you so wonderfully write about in your poems.
    The anticipation of wanting to be with her so badly that waiting seems torture. The things like..drumming your nails, rant and raving, tapping your foot...and just when you're at the breaking point.. in she walks. One look at her smiling eyes instantly calms you and eases the frustration felt at having to wait so long for her arrival.
    The last stanza (even without the rhyme) just wrapped this up nicely.
    Another enjoyable read.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed this, and i can't wait to read some of you other writings. i enjoy how you show how restless people get waiting for something, but then once they get it they completely forget about the frustration and anxiousness of waiting. great peice of work!

    ~smlaw
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by smlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww that is so sweet!
    It reminded me of waiting for my hubby to come home, getting so damn impatient and ready to blow..then he walks in the door and all is well in my world. Funny how they can get to us that way, huh? Great write, Steve.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Steve.

    Aww, the last two lines were so sweet. I loved it. This was a really nice poem. I loved how you showed anger and frustration at the beginning of the poem, and near the end you mellowed out and became the "happy pussy cat".

    "I sit, I stand, I drum my nails
    Now a tick but where’s the tock
    This torture never fails "
    I really liked this part, it was well written and I think everybody can relate to it. Great write Steve.

    ~Kriss
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]


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