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    dots Submission Name: loving youdots

    Author: bluecrane
    ASL Info:    19/F/WASHINGTON
    Elite Ratio:    3.61 - 70/83/26
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 382


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsloving youdots

    if you could see the love in my eyes
    and the tear on my cheek
    as you touch my heart

    the tender kiss
    you place on my lips
    the way i ache when we're apart

    your hands cover mine
    my body shivers
    we are one coming together

    no matter how far
    distance makes us
    love makes us forever

    Submitted on 2005-09-22 15:53:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      For one I think It needs a title but I guess I don't really know what to call it either. It started out really amazing and kinda went blah... A poem with a strong beginning needs a stronger ending.
    It's kinda confusing the way you say

    "The tender kiss
    You place on my lips
    The way I ache when we're apart"
    It's really cdonfusing because are you saying If you could see that? or does it come out of no where?

    I feel like you didn't spend much time on it at all but It also seems like you are a good writer you just might have to put more effort into it.
    But I really do like the first stanza

    And I think it would be better it you went into another stanza at the end to round it all off but that also feeds into the whole stronger ending thing but this is just my opinion.

    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Coffee Brake | [ Reply to This ]

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