How To lie your way into a wom by Big J

how to lie your way into a woman's heart

Ever since the beginning of time there has been an epic battle taking place in this world. It hasn’t been a battle for land, money, or even global domination; it has been a battle of the sexes for control over the relationship. In the beginning men had full control of the relationship, and many thought that it would stay that way: a world of logic and happiness. However, after many years of bliss the wall started coming down on the male-dominated utopia. This avalanche of despair was called feminism.
During the beginning of the feminist movement women made many great strides for power - the right to vote, equal pay, and political power - but these fade in comparison to their real victory, ownership of the relationship. They succeeded in capturing the relationship through the development of the dating game, not the retro game show but the confusing system men must follow to get a woman. It is a conundrum that consists of very exact rules that a man must follow in order to get a girl, and if he slips up in the slightest all his hard work will have been in vain. Many women claim that in actuality it was men who created this game, but honestly ladies, who are you kidding? Everyone knows that men are too lazy to develop a system of this complexity. There are other things we would rather do with our time. In fact, if it would have been men instead of women who were denied the right to vote, we never would have gained it. Think about what would happen today if men were suddenly denied the right to vote. I think it would be a lot like this:
Jeff: “Hey Mike did you here that we were just denied the right to vote?”
Mike: “No way, that’s crazy. We got to fight back! We deserve the right to be heard.”
Jeff: “You’re right, but let’s wait till after the Game is over.”
Mike: "Yeah, but after football we have an Xbox tournament, and we have pizza coming.”
Jeff: “Well, there’s always tomorrow.”
Mike: “Forget it, there’s no way I’m missing Monday night football. We’ll just have to wait till the season is over.”
Jeff: “But after football season ends we got basketball, baseball, and then back to football. I think it’s a conspiracy to keep us from getting involved in government.”
Mike: “Yeah, you’re probably right, but what can we do about it? Just pass me the chips, half-time is over.”

Ladies, let’s be honest, could you imagine us going through the trouble of developing such an intricate mating system? We are too apathetic and lazy; we would have never invented fire if we didn’t have dreams of a barbecue. Even with the hopes of roasted meat, we would probably be sitting here happily eating raw meat, if it hadn’t been for cavewomen nagging the men that their feet were cold. Honestly, behind every great man there’s an annoying women telling him he’s not good enough. Now, let me suggest to you my theory of why Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. I will explain through a dialogue between Edison and his girlfriend, Vikki:
Vikki: “Thomas what are you doing? I swear you’re so lazy.”
Edison: "Hey, I’m just going to watch a stick ball game down the street.”
Vikki: “My mother was right. You are no good. Why don’t you get off your butt and invent me an electric light bulb? It is impossible to apply makeup with a gas lamp.”
Edison: “I don’t feel like it. A gas lamp is perfectly fine, plus it makes it easier to look at you in the morning before you apply your makeup.”
Vikki: “Listen here, Poindexter, either you make me that lamp or else.’
Edison: “Yes ma'am, sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am."

Hey guys, if you think Vikki is bad, you should have met the Wright brothers’ mom. She sure hated road trips. Furthermore, if men were to develop a system it would be a lot simpler. Think about it: we are the ones who developed pickup lines, which are possibly the most efficient way to get a girl. For the men out there who are completely ignorant of the game, I will now enlighten you about the little I have learned on the subject.
The Rules:
1. Don’t act interested (If you do, they’ll lose interest).
2. Act cocky (They claim they hate it, but they love it)
3. Pretend to be sincere (They say it is important, but frankly they don’t know when your faking it)
4. Don’t hit on their friends (They rage)
5. Trick them into thinking your desirable (Use hot chick friends if necessary)
6. Don’t compliment them too much (You can’t let them know you like them)
7. If you get in trouble, buy flowers (Flowers fix everything)

Guys, I wish I had more to share with you, but their system is so complex that our top
agents still have been unsuccessful in penetrating it. Men, the problem is that somewhere along the scope of history women discovered our Achilles’ heel: lovin. To be completely honest, we want it. We cannot live without it. The desire to get it consumes our very existence. Everything we do is in hopes of getting, as the lay-man calls it, some.
Really, think about it for a second. Why do men go to college? They go to college to get a job. They get a job to get money. And they get money to get a girl. Another example. Why do guys work out? We work out to get buff, and we get buff to get girls. We’re trapped in a never ending struggle to get action, and women know it. And that is how they have taken control of the modern-day relationship.
Think about how the average relationship starts. You see a girl you think is hot, so you decide to ask her out. As soon as you ask her out you lose your advantage, because as soon as you ask she knows you’re interested. She now sits in the driver’s seat of the relationship and she decides when to pull over and let you out. Once you ask she has the option of saying no, which if she’s not interested is the most humane thing for her to do. But if I know anything about women, it’s that they are anything but humane creatures. This is why they invented the pity date, so that they could play with your head and keep the reputation of being a nice girl. So, even if they say yes, you still have to try to find out if they’re interested. Sadly, it is very difficult to bring the scales of the relationship into balance after such a commanding lead by our counterparts.
Besides the power they gain by always knowing if were interested or not, they also get to live on our expense. When we go on a date, we have to pay to have the “pleasure” of their company. They live in the perfect system. In fact, if I were a girl I would flirt with every guy in the world just to get all the free stuff.
Men, you may now be wondering why I am explaining our dismal situation. It’s simple. I have one important message for you: “THERE IS SALVATION!” This is why I wrote this book. It is to help get us our power back, or at least place us on equal ground. Because, although women have gained the advantage against us there is still one weapon in our arsenal that they cannot defeat: the lie. For some strange biological reason, women were created with very gullible personalities. They are very trusting creatures. And with us being honorable men, we have no choice but to exploit this weakness for all its worth. Guys, think about it: in our life times we have convinced women of some pretty crazy things. I personally have been everything from a Russian doctor to an undercover FBI agent. And of course the girls fell for it.
Now I understand that some of you guys might be worrying about the possible moral implications involved with lying to women. Let me set your mind at ease by telling you that the Bible says it’s alright to lie to women. I don’t recall quite well where it is written, but I think it is somewhere near the back. Besides that, men can’t control women without it. Lying to them is our only chance of not letting them gain complete control of the relationship, and eventually, the world.
Could you imagine a woman in charge of the U.S.? It is frightening just thinking about what would happen during her “time of the month.” Heck, we’ll probably all die! Many people fear that a woman would be too soft and kind when it comes to matters of war. Men, you should know this isn’t true. I have never met a man as evil and calculating as a woman. They would likely destroy the earth.
These power hungry fem-Nazis are looking to destroy all that men have worked so hard to build. We must fight back against this oppression before it is too late, and the only thing we can do to fight back is to lie. Viva la dishonesty, viva la revolution.
Men, before we begin discussing how and when to lie we first must understand the difference between how a woman thinks and how a man thinks. To be honest this is a lot more difficult than it sounds because, to understand the feminine mind I am forced to disregard all logic and reason. To make this more simple and interesting to understand we will follow a man and a woman through a date, everything in parenthesis are their inner thoughts:
Stacey: Hey Jim, how are you doing tonight?
(Oh, no I think he’s going bald)
Jim: Great, and may I say that you look incredible tonight.
(Man she’s hot; I want to make out with her)
Stacey: Oh thanks, aren’t you sweet.
(What, I don’t usually look pretty! Who are you to judge me in the first place baldy?)
Jim: Don’t mention it.
(Oh yeah, she said I’m sweet, I am definitely getting action tonight.)
Stacey: Oh is this your car, it looks really cool.
(And cheap, oh crap I got a poor guy again)
Jim: Oh, it’s nothing special.
(All the chicks dig my ride; my car is the pimp mobile).

They get into the car:

Stacey: So, Jim where are we going for dinner?
(Probably some where cheap. At least he was a gentleman and opened my door).
Jim: A new Italian place, supposedly they have magnificent pasta.
(Man I hope they got pizza. Good thing I opened her door for her, it gave me a chance to pass some gas as I was walking around the car).
Stacey: I am glad we got to go out on this date; you seem like a really great guy. It’s tough to find nice guys in this city. All any guy is interested in is getting action, they are not willing to really listen to a girl.
(Wow, Jim is a great listener; he actually really cares about my feelings).
Jim: That must be tough.
(She keeps moving her lips and all I hear is: Blah Blah Blah. Hmm I wonder who would win in a fight Mr. T or Hulk Hogan, that is truly one of the mysteries of the universe. Dang is she still talking, there are so many better things I could use those lips for)

After Stacey has given her monologue for the past twenty minutes:

Stacey: Jim thanks for letting me vent about the plight of today’s single working women.
(I’m surprised Jim is a very sensitive man, I think I found a keeper)
Jim: No problem, it was very educational.
(Praise heaven, she finally shut-up. Did she say plight, hey plight rhymes with fight. I think Mr. T would win in the fight against Hulk Hogan)

Stacey: Well it looks like we’re here.
(I wonder if he will open my door again. It is one thing if they open your door when getting in; it is entirely different if they open it when you’re getting out)
Jim: Yep, well we better go in.
(Ha Ha, I don’t have to open her door, because my gas is gone. Thank you Beano. Take Beano, there will be no gas. I love that slogan).

They are now seated for dinner:

Jim: Stacey, I heard the salads are really good here.
(I heard the salads are really good here. I like monkeys, I want to have my own monkey, and he could be my monkey butler. I would get him a little tuxedo to wear, it would be hilarious. Crap, I can’t laugh right now)
Stacey: Salad, really.
(Oh, you made a big mistake there bud, do you think I should eat a salad because I’m FAT. Is he trying to suppress a laugh right now, oh I’ll teach you to mock me).
Jim: Yeah, that’s what my friends told me.
(Oh no I made a huge mistake; it would definitely be Hulk Hogan that won the fight against Mr. T. I wonder what would happen if Hulk Hogan fought my Butler Monkey. Granted, Hulk Hogan has a size and strength advantage, but the monkey throws its own feces)

Later, while they are eating

Stacey: Thanks, for taking me out tonight, it’s been great, fine cuisine, great ambiance, and tantalizing conversation
(Hey, the guy may have made a mistake with the salad comment, but he is such a great listener, and so sensitive).
Jim: It is great, what more could a person ask for.
(Maybe a bullet to the head, man is this woman annoying, yack yack yack. I would so rather be over with my buddies, playing in the weekly XBox tournament).

Later that night, on Stacy’s doorstep

Stacey: I had a great time tonight; we will have to do it again.
(Should I kiss him? If I kiss him he might think I am easy and won’t want to go out with me again. But if I don’t kiss him he might think I don’t like him, and then he won’t want to ask me out again. It’s a catch 22; I just don’t know what to do)
Jim: I would love that, you are the most amazing woman I have ever met.
(Man, I hope that sounded sincere, I totally want to get some action from her right now. So I will say what she wants to hear, but there is no way I am spending another night with this whining Banshee)

Stacey: That is one of the sweetest things I have ever heard.
(That really was sweet. I have found my soul mate, I will remember this night for the rest of my life. I guess it is okay to kiss your future husband on a first date).
Jim: I meant every word of it.
(I can’t believe it, she bought it, and I am so getting action. Now I will sing the action song to the cha-cha-cha, “Action, action, action, I am getting action, I need this satisfaction, I am getting action.”)

They Kiss

Stacey: (I feel fireworks, this is the greatest moment of my life, and I am on cloud nine).
Jim: (Man, if only my monkey butler could see me now. Action, action, action, I am getting action).

They Part for the night

Stacey: Good night
(It wasn’t a good night, it was a great night, and the first night to begin the rest of our lives together)
Jim: Good night, I will call you.
(Yeah, if I ever get desperate enough).
As you can see women are just as dishonest as men, they almost never say what their thinking. However, somehow men have been singled out as the dishonest half of the human race. Why? Well its simple, we are better at it than women, so women are usually the only people deceived by stories. Think about it, have you actually ever believed a woman when she claimed, “I can’t go out because I have to wash my hair.” On the other hand how many of us guys (who are the only child) have been extremely successful in convincing girls that, “I can’t go because I have to help my sister move.” In fact, by my calculations my sister has now moved 63 times in the past four years. People be honest, everyone lies, just some of us are better at it than others. This special gift of deceit is usually exclusively male, and it has been discovered that it is carried on the Y chromosome. Although most men are endowed with this gift from birth, there are many guys out there that have been unable to use their gift. Like any talent the secret is to practice, and to receive instruction on how to use your gift properly. I am here to give you this instruction.
Many people may question why I, of all people, am writing this book. To be completely honest I have yet to have a relationship that has lasted more than a couple of months. However, I have also never been dumped. My relationship problems are due to my commitment problems, which have resulted in many love-struck stalkers following me around. My commitment problems are due to a disorder, known to the medical community as ADDF or attention deficit disorder with females. In all honesty I have the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to women, and until they develop relationship ridaline I am “doomed” to experience short relationships. Luckily, my disorder has allowed me to practice my theories in the dating world. Through extensive experimenting I have developed a system called “Power Dating,” which allows you to make a girl fall head-over-heels in love with you in less than a week. I see this as a scientific breakthrough, because modern science is continuing to try and discover ways to become more efficient. My program is the first real advance that has been developed for efficiency within the realm of the social sciences.
In this book I will share both my own and others experiences in lying to women. Through these experiences I will teach you how to lie your way into a women’s heart.

Warning: This system is dangerous for players to use, because it can result in obsessive stalkers. The deep emotional attachment that is felt by the women can prove to be hazardous to your health.

Chapter 2

Like all things in life, we are going to start at the beginning: how to meet a girl. Meeting women may seem like a simple task, but it must be remembered that women are ravenous beasts that feed off the lifeblood of all mankind. These hosebeasts are just waiting for us to approach, so that they can rip us to shreds. Because of this, we have to be very careful about the way we approach women. The first secret is to be confident. Women can smell fear from a mile away. You must become the Alpha-male and approach women in the same way that a predator attacks its prey. We must take a lesson from the lions we see on nature shows. The lions in these shows don’t attack at the center of the herd; they follow the herd and take out the weaker antelope that are lagging behind. In much the same way, it is not preferable to “attack” a large group of girls that are standing together, because they often create a man-hating force field around them. As the saying says, “There is safety in numbers,” so you must approach when the girl is alone and vulnerable. It is also better to approach her alone, because the Alpha-male does not need competition while fighting for survival. In fact, the only time it is safe to approach with another male is when it is a weaker male. This is because when you approach with a weaker male, you tend to look even better by comparison. However, there is danger in this, because you have to be sure that he will be in tune with the lies you are inventing.