All About You by Key Wester

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Submission Name: All About You dots

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Author:	Key Wester
ASL Info:	20/m/Key West
Elite Ratio:	3.87 - 104/143/55
Words:	99

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	7858
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	627

Description:
I need help this one, i usually dont write about emotions..............or whatever

All About You dots

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I've been adiment on ending up
In your arm's tonight.
For quite some time now, and
As the night times end approaches-

-I'm left loathing, life
without you-

Your tender, slendor arms
Grabbing at life's every
Aspiration, at all the nice
Bright colors, clear across
The neverending black and white
Catalyst called night

The melody of sight and sound;
And your lovely arm's around
-My every thought, and every move-
Wrapped around, and
All about you.

Submitted on 2005-09-22 21:10:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This has potential...I just think that you used too many words that took away from the poem. There are a lot of people that either won't know what the words mean or hit the words and it's like slamming into a roadblock. I say that quite often lately in my comments, but it's not the big words that entice people to read your poems. Nobody's going to sit here with a dictionary to read someone's writing. It's all in word placement. Don't try too hard to make something sound poetic, it needs to just kind of fall from your lips. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the greatest writer on the block by any stretch of the means and far be it from me to bash anyone's writing...you asked for advice. I'm not good at criticising someone's poetry for fear of offending. However, in reading this that would be the biggest problem with this. Try writing something that is a little more "raw" in emotion and just let it happen naturally. It really sounded like you were trying so hard with this. Go with these feelings though. Keep writing!
Candi
| Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  A wonderfully organized pile of trite.

The neverending black and white
Catalyst called night

???...Did you quote this from 18 century romanitic poetry, Doubtful because even they aren't that insipid
| Posted on 2005-09-26 00:00:00 | by SageContagious | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem highlights the ache of love separated. It is a familiar scene where the lover painfully waits for his beloved, embracing even the whole of life as reminiscent of her graces. A good first write out of emotion.

Stanza 1. I would change the wordings a bit here. "Adiment" is a mispelling of some unfamiliar word. More importantly though, the final line feels awkward. You already use the word night on line 2, so perhaps say something like: "as morning light breaks the dark"

Stanza 2. It's a good thought, but emphasize not just the information: "left loathing, life without you", but make the reader feel why you loath, that is, how vexing it is to be left alone.

Stanza 3. Better stuff. You show the reader that the memory of her arms steals his "aspiration", even amidst the serenity of the scene. "Catalyst" is a nice thought too. Kudos.

Stanza 4. A restatement of the third stanza, in many ways, but a nice one. However, I would suggest reworking to add more, perhaps tying it back to the ideas in the first paragraph. Also, the word "melody" seems a poor word to capture sight and sound. Pick a better word that involves both music and motion: ballet, dance, drama et cetera.

This is a good first draft. I believe this piece can be wonderful. Give it a re-edit, you'll see it can be too.

Keep writing, friend. Cheers!
| Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by sammysheep | [ Reply to This ]
  overall, it was good. but these are some thoughts about it.

this poem needs words that express feelings, not just big words used in something everyday. this a different kind of poem.

'I've been adiment on ending up
In your arm's tonight.'

instead of using adiment.. i would use something more like this...
i've been longing to end up,
in your arms tonight.

just an example, though you might want to use something more.. ellegent. But it shows more feeling. not just like a robot way of writting it. like your really feeling what your writting on this paper.

that would be my suggestion, feel the piece more then just look at the words and put them into a poetic statement.
dig deeper.

i know that this can be an amazingly beautiful piece with your talent. though it is hard to write about the things you feel the most, i would try.
it pays off in the end.
let me know if i helped you in the least bit, i hope so lol.
good luck and tell me how it turns out
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]

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