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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Performingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 869
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1111



    Description:
       So what do u think of this? I put alot of time into this one, so i just wanted to know what you think? thank you!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerformingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Quivering hands,
    Sweaty feet.
    Screaming fans,
    Start to compete.

    Blood and tears
    Are left unseen
    Each step a new fear
    Every one a mile between

    They think itís easy,
    Getting on stage.
    Mike in hand,
    Voice engage.



    Everything each day,
    Is a formidable feat.
    Listen to what they say,
    Donít attempt to cheat.

    Cheating your life,
    Wonít get you far.
    Donít you ever reach for a knife,
    For today youíre a star.

    Even if in a bar,
    Singing with all your heart.
    You shine like a star,
    From the time that you start.

    So donít ever look away,
    Never leave, itís your time.
    No matter what they say,
    You are going to do just fine.

    A motherís comforting saying,
    Will help you see.
    Ever time you go playing,
    Itís up to you and not me.

    So get on stage,
    Go on and show,
    That talented rage,
    Today donít be slow!




    Submitted on 2005-09-23 15:36:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I see this as an encouraging write for those who are near to giving up on life.
    It has some really nice lines and your emotion (your caring) shows through.

    Life is a stage and we all have our part to play.
    We can all (each of us) be a star in our own right.
    That's what this poem says to me.

    Nicely done!
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very much awesome man. I love how you chose to use your opinion and ignore some of my advice, which I actually admire more than if you had listened to all of it. A few other things that have creapt up though.

    "Everyone a mile between"
    It should be spaced out as 'every one' because in this form it's looking like people instead of each step. Easy to do, and easier to fix.

    "Voice in gage"
    I personally think that you could change it to 'engage' (grasping peoples attention) just because "in gage" doesn't make much sense to me. And I don't know if you meant to have lots of space between this stanza and the next, but it looks like there is 3-4 lines, and it kind of disrupts the flow for me.

    "Today donít be slow"
    I don't know what it is, but this line is still bothering me because it just doesn't seem to fit with everything else. Maybe I'm crazy, but it just seems kind of off for me.

    Okay, now time to analyze your head. I know that you make it seem like your talking about singers/musicians, but I also think that you could be talkng about actors/actresses too. Or at least that's the way that I see it. I kind of saw myself in it, and it was pretty scary. But the last line fixed most of that for me. Awesome job dude, and I know that we will see more of this kind of thing comming from you. And I look forward to it.

    Jessica
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Very positive work. Displaying that we are all stars in our own performance and play. The several views were well put in. I, myself who has been onstage in plays and other acts before, agree with alot that you have stated in this poem. The last stanza could use a bit of work, however.
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by ParanoidParadox | [ Reply to This ]
      Those who've never performed on stage cannot know how draining an experience it can be. I liked that you looked at this from two points of view, but I'd drop the last stanza althogether. it seems a little bit too rhymey and extraneous.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you did a fine job of expressing being up on stage. I had a conversation once with a friend of mine about this and we were talking about how she feels each night she takes the stage with her band...pretty much parallels the sentiments you express here. I do think that the last stanza could use some tweaking though...it just doesnt seem to end the write right, ya know? Anyway, maybe add something else to finish it off or tweak it some way. Just my thought. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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