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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Origindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ParanoidParadox
    ASL Info:    22/m/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 89/92/41
    Words: 202
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1165
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1394



    Description:
       This spawned from a writing session with my friend. Previously he had been talking about human nature and what drives us.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOrigindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Claws of concrete pierce the clouds
    They bleed an oily black haze
    Lost in an industrial maze
    An unknown legacy is born
    Now there is no turning back
    No way to redeem what we lack
    A crescendo of hurried voices
    Erupts and crackles through the streets
    Drowning out our choices
    Our origin is sacrificed
    Among the smog clouds


    A city full of lights
    A red star that burns bright
    The kingdom crumbles
    From the inside out
    Death by regret and doubt
    Night will never fall again
    For it has been slain
    Medication handed out
    To make the demons go away


    Outside the wire fences
    Lies the forest
    From which we carved our existance
    A systematic persistance
    Lead us through the tempest
    Everyone has changed
    And yet we're still the same
    Like the primates we blame
    We, too are deranged
    Redemption has no hope
    We have lost our way
    Faltering today
    No way for us to cope


    Rouse us
    Wake us
    Return us to the forest
    Love us
    Need us
    Return us to the womb
    Blame us
    Shun us
    Return us to our homes
    Rebuild us
    Destroy us
    Return us to our tombs






    Submitted on 2005-09-24 04:58:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Excellent write. Yes you are right. We are all crazy (by different degrees) whether we want to be are not and we all usually do the wrong things to medicate our emotional and mental ills. Sad isn't it but not this piece!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by Mytee | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great poem, you really get the point across. That is the world we live in. And it will fall. The ending's really good too, many possible ways for a higher power to correct us. And we need correcting... Really good metaphors too. Hope to be seeing more of your work! :D
    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by Azure | [ Reply to This ]
      I was having a conversation with my nephew who was convinced that at the core we lacked little difference from the animal world, much as you've touched in this piece. We exchanged points of view and neither seemed convinced by the other. I somehow feel that none of the beasties could care less how they treated their loved ones or felt any concern if their fellow species were starving or homeless. Perhaps a small point to some but I have no trouble seeing the difference. It is an interesting poem and your thoughts come across clearly. Nice work! Dan
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good poem. I loved your approach to the topic it was very creative. Metaphors are great. You painted a very powerful and truthful picture of the world we’re living in.
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a very good write
    I could feel the emotion in your words the only thing i would suggest is to slow down a little bit it seemed at some times like the poem was moving to fast
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this. it kind of makes me think of how urban everything is becoming, where everything is concrete or asphalt. i took that this was about the fall of people. the last part seemed out of place when i looked at it, but then reading it, it seemed perfect. good job!
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      That is good. What I think you meant by it is concerning how humanity is consumed by comfort and technology and it has forgotten what gave it life and gives it life still. Humanity continuously speaks as if it is higher, more superior than all of nature but really we are inferior, just a virus that destroys what keeps it alive. Please tell me if I'm wrong but I like the write any how.
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by alittlebithippy | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the verse. it feels like you are either talking about a fall of a city or the fall of the human race. ok may be it does have a feel of technophobia. the ending is well done and potrays the real feelings of the fallen people. amen to you!
    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by jassal | [ Reply to This ]


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