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    dots Submission Name: Mercury Risingdots

    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 203
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 769
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1440

       this is about alot of how I feel and felt when I was real ill --so it means nothing --BUT it kind of does---socome ...read...comprehend...be gone---off

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMercury Risingdots

    of tears
    with sweat.
    I am not sad nor hot,
    but bothered and shot.
    So I sit drenched
    in this pool naked,
    trying to take it-na-
    I am kicking trying to break it.
    The cycle, the floor, my leg, anything,
    maybe I'm just faking it,
    for the few lost souls whose attention deficit has faded.
    Too many obvious choices,
    so many all too familiar voices.
    They are just monotnous noises
    I canít listen, so I pretend it isnít.
    I canít trust it, obviously I'm digusted
    Mouths moving in non orchestral motions
    these thoughts I too don't get..I just wrote them.
    But to heal it, ya start with the mind.
    Caressing the even less than jaded
    is a gift and a task,
    especially when it's mine.

    I'll still feel like shit
    and corrupt you.
    Then succumb
    to the numb
    for now.
    And drift off far away
    from where we were
    into a deep blue-er blur
    deeper and deeper
    creeping into the danger to play.
    There is no pain there,
    but to remain there
    would mean we would
    lose the person we really are forever....
    which is really better

    --------5-1-5-0----*----!/! ! !< #--------------------------

    Submitted on 2005-09-24 11:14:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    But then your writing does that to me...

    The way you expressed this...you so tapped into the feelings and pain one goes through...if I said I can relate, I would be telling you the truth - just on a different level...it will get better is all I can say and hang in there...

    This is spectacular
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Now please tell me if I'm wrong but I get the feeling that this piece is about nothing. Nothing meaning, about feeling nothing. Your not sad, you don't feel pain, and obviously I'm not seeing too much happiness in here, so that leads me to believe that you feel nothing.

    There is no pain there,
    but to remain there
    would mean we would
    lose the person we really are forever...

    Would we? If we feel nothing are we nothing or can we choose to change it all and go on with a happy existance?

    This piece saddens me because I felt this way not long ago. No more though.

    I have faith in LT. I have read your work and felt your highs and lows with you. You have it in you man, I know that you can pull yourself out of the worse and keep on keeping on. Tomorrow is a new day, and we have many tomorrows left.

    Great piece LT. Good luck, and Brightest Blessings.
    | Posted on 2005-09-26 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]

    I just really liked the title. Feel like dancing right now. maybe thaz why i liked it so much.

    I don't know if i can relate to you or not cause i'm not thinking straight and this chair is aching my back so i'm thinking of myself more than you right now. Anyhow, thaz reality but oh well, we don' care bout tha now.

    Your piece is nicely put together although i didn't like certain things about it like your structure and your word choice and the way you've organized it but screw that, you set out with an idea and you've completed that idea or so i see. I can be delusional now if i want to but i don't know.

    Anyhow, i still think your piece is nice. I understand what you've been through. Think we all go through tha crap once in a while. Take care. Check out ma work if ya got time. Talk to ya laterz Mike.

    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Shee-it man, more people wil identify with this than you think!

    This is a very good piece of poetry, Mike, it relates the random emotions of a delusional feverish state absolutely perfectly. Man, I hope you're over the hump now, I've been wondering and worried about ya!

    Bloody tops poem

    Be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Without even judging it for how you might have been feeling at the time, this is still a surprisingly well written piece with a lot of emotion. The major thing that brings it down is some of the different spelling errors (sorry, but it has to be said!). If you can't catch the errors on your own, then I suggest you just past the document into word, or some other writing program with spell check so that you can improve the spelling. Most of the spelling errors are in the first verse, though.

    Another thing you might want to experiment with is getting rid of the use of contractions, as those have a slight tendency to bring the piece down.
    Can't becomes cannot.
    I'm becomes I am.
    I'll becomes I will
    That type of thing.

    I can't decide if the use of er, and na brings down the piece or not. It's an interesting way to bring out more of your own voice, but at the same time, it also interrupts the flow of the piece. If you could find a way to increase the amount of voice in the piece and get rid of the interruptions, then I would do it.

    All in all, though, like I said, I like this piece, and I like the emotion. And you're right on one level, that I probably didn't get as much out of this as you did since I've never been badly sick. However, I think that you should be quite proud of yourself since you did an amazing job of conveying your feelings and emotions to the reader even though I had never actually experienced what you had. So nicely done!

    | Posted on 2005-09-24 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      Pain that is so intense that you would prefer oblivion, nothingness, maybe even at the cost of losing self. Man, I hope you begin to feel better really soon. (This piece is insane!)

    I had kidney stones when I was six months pregnant with the Imp. They couldn't do anything but dope me up for a month and let me pass then naturally. It hurt worse than labor!

    There were times that I actually prayed to pass out. That way I could be free of hurting for just a bit. It was a rough time. I really hope you haven't been hurting that bad, and that this is- in part -fiction.

    This is such an emotional piece, while not depending on the normal emotional connecting words. You dodn't come out and say you were hurting, but it comes through loud and clear.

    Well written my friend...

    Wish I could help,
    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

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