Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lucy's Ladderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: uncreaTED
    Elite Ratio:    4.86 - 58/69/24
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 881
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1098



    Description:
       Jacob's Ladder rises as though defying gravity, an electrostatic escalator. The ladder leads up from Hades, by rising on it one must defy the gravity that draws all toward temptation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLucy's Ladderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lucy's Ladder

    Cherishing hollow hopes,
       wayward souls are lured
    with poisonous promises
       from the surreptitious One.

    Foreboding vapors ascend
       from disguised despair below.
    Streaming down from above,
       Purity annihilates all suffering.

    Glory shrouds the putrid pit
       in Light, set your goal there—
    with all your mind's will,
       stretch up and grasp on tight.

    Follow the smoke rising skyward
       from Beelzebub's agonizing fires,
    in your climb to free yourself
       from the clutches of temptation.

    Each wrung of upward gain
       leads closer to salvation.
    Focus on accomplishment,
       dwell not on yesterday's regrets.




    Submitted on 2005-09-25 06:01:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I see where Zylle is coming from with her suggestiongs, and I agree with it partly. The first, third, and fifth stanzas all seem to flow very nicely, it is just the other two that seem like they could use some tweaking to me. As far as diction, I don't think it is bad at all. The thought process seems fairly streamline for me and I find myself able to follow along with the poem quite nicely, while feeling the hope that the poem brings.

    I love how upon first glance the poem seems dark and threatening, then as you read it you get a sense of hope. It is pretty much a polar opposite of the last poem I submitted, in which I gave into temptation and failed to cast away my regret. I loved it.

    I really don't think the slight structural differences in the second and fourth stanzas detract from the quality of the poem at all. If you felt you could revise them to be more like the others, while still maintaining the original message, then go for it. If it sounds risky, don't touch it, because I really like it. In fact, I think I may make this one a favorite of mine..

    ~Jared
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by Jared | [ Reply to This ]
      You haven't chosen such a bad topic, as topics go, but there's just something slightly off about the poem itself. I can't completely put my finger on it. I think it's the flow based on how you've written your verses, although I'm not completely positive. Each verse just doesn't seem to read as well as it could. Some of your lines are long, others are short, but the two are not meshed well within the poem. The same thing is true for your word choice. Some of the words are long - almost overly so - and others are slightly short, but when you put the two together, it's actually highly destructive to the poem. I would also like to point out that in a lot of spots you have little two line sequences or even one really good line that read well, but are quickly quashed. You really need to go back and pinpoint these spots and make the whole piece read will. Just don't throw out the entire piece to get there.

    There is definiteliy a good root on this poem, I just feel like some editing and experimentation would definitely not go amiss at the moment. Good luck!

    Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    75479

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry