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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Twitchdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ChaosSubmission
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 18/30/8
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 820



    Description:
       Written in class after a test and used as a method of preventing sleep from taking over me. Enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwitchdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Feel the wind running through my hair
    Hear the beat of the stomping bear

    See the grass glowing in the light
    Who shamed the moon? Who do i kill tonight?

    Breathe in the fumes of my elegant scent
    Feel it choking your throat, you knew what it meant

    Slip through the cracks in the walls
    Stumble on a brittle leaf, down i fall

    Listen to the voices in my ear
    Look through the glass, break the mirror

    Spin in circles, round and round
    Fall to the ground and make a big frown

    Sing to the people deep in the earth
    Ride the waves, see me surf

    Listen to my heart beat through the sand
    Bury me alive and see my hand

    Twitch
    Twitch
    Twitch




    Submitted on 2005-09-25 22:19:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok I actually have a couple things to say about this one. This isn't really good but it isn't really bad either. I like what you are trying to write here but it sounds like you tried too hard. But then again you said you wrote this in class so you could stay awake. But none the less I still want to point out some things.

    "Twitch
    -


    Feel the wind running through my hair
    Hear the beat of the stomping bear"

    That line I really have no complaints at all. This part seemed thought out well.


    "See the grass glowing in the light
    Who shamed the moon? Who do i kill tonight?"

    This is where it seemed to start to fall apart. The rhyming sounds forced and to me it doesn't seem to go well if you have commas or question marks or anything like that in the same line cause to me that would indicate that you should start a new line.


    "Breathe in the fumes of my elegant scent
    Feel it choking your throat, you knew what it meant"

    This one was good but once again the comma just doesn't seem right.


    "Listen to the voices in my ear
    Look through the glass, break the mirror"

    The rhyming sounds a bit forced there...


    "Spin in circles, round and round
    Fall to the ground and make a big frown"

    Same thing with the rhyming.


    and the rest is good so I have no complaints on those. So yea this was great just needs some fixing up. That is if this is something you are serious about.

    Brenna


    "Slip through the cracks in the walls
    Stumble on a brittle leaf, down i fall"

    The rhyming was good here I guess but sometimes if you have an "s" to make something plural it sometimes throws the reader off but it was fine here. and once again the comma I dont really think is needed if you want the same line. and that applies for the rest of your write.




    | Posted on 2005-09-26 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm... this is an interesting piece. Almost sounds like the beginnings of lyrics to a song. Either way, I like the idea of it. However, some points I would like to make:
    Use punctuation. Some punctuation at least. A comma here and there...something like that.

    Don't try to be forced rhymed. I noticed how well you started out rhyming, but towards the end it was almost as if it were forced. The lines I am talking about are:

    Spin in circles, round and round
    Fall to the ground and make a big frown

    Sing to the people deep in the earth
    Ride the waves, see me surf

    Despite those words have similar sounds-round and frown... earth and surf-they don't exactly rhyme.

    Don't get me wrong.. I still think it's a really good piece. I'm sorry if this may be coming across as a bad critique-I'm naturally a nitpicker. :P Just giving you advice. :)

    Good work. I'll be looking for more poetry from you.
    | Posted on 2005-09-26 00:00:00 | by AngelicDreamer | [ Reply to This ]


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