First know that I have not read anyone else's comments, so some of this may be redundant.
That said, I like the message of this write but I feel it lacks structure making it hard to swallow. Not the advice itself, which I did like and heartily approve of, but getting through it was difficult because the breaks have little meaning here. It feels like you started a new line because you ran out of space rather than because it's where the natural flow would take you. I also would not end on a rhetorical questions. It makes your ending a bit weak especially when its being "YELLED."
personal note: the message is good. Many people do not speak out because of what others may think or they feel they will not be listened to because someone else is more important. People often don't realize for your voice to become important, it first has to be heard. hope some of this helps.
I thought this was more prose than poetry but I liked how you kept things simple. I definitely think you have the potential to improve this greatly. How about making the poem have shorter lines and more of a structure? Also, I usually like poems ending with a question but in this case, I feel it would be better if you ended with a statement rather than a question.
Since you want direct advice on how to make this better, I'll do a little nitpicking:
"listened to by people because people fail to listen"
The fact that you repeated the word "listen" twice in the line threw me off. How about you don't write "listened" the first time and change the structure of the sentence a little?
"expressing yourself" Instead of this, I suggest "self expression" to ease the flow of the poem a little.
"When you open your mouth let there be sound that comes out not silence" - I don't think this line fit in the poem at all. I suggest you give this one a little more thought and alter the way the content is presented a little bit.
"WHO'S GOING TO SPEAK FOR YOU?" - since you've focussed on using formal grammar throughout the poem, i think you should write "who is" instead of "who's" just to keep that tone alive.
I don't get why you capitalized the last two lines. I think that instead of emphasizing more on the main message you were conveying in the final bit of the poem, it just distracted the reader.. or atleast myself.
Sorry for the criticism but I hope it helps. Keep writing and sharing,
I enjoyed this piece because of how honest it was. You go stright to the point and tell it like it is. It makes it inspirational in a way. I feel like it should be told to a large group of people so the word can be spread. lol keep up the intensity and fire behind your words, for that is what really makes this piece work.
this wasnt really my cup of tea. more like prose than poetry.
it has potential, maybe a few more drafts and it could be better. it's not very visually appealing to me either. the thing i love about poems is that they're like word pictures on paper, their format, everything about them is beautiful.
This was a great piece. The flow, to me, was off, I couldn't really find a rhythm. The poem itself was very powerful, a great message so many can learn from. My advise is to maybe try putting it into stanzas, of atleast try giving it a little rhythm to make it easier to read. Other than that, I thought the idea was great. Well done! Can't wait to read more! Alissa
fiery piece of writing but comes of a bit as rhapsody .guess this is the kind of poetry that really sounds nice in the hands of a very good orator.it carries a message we all really should heed.NUFF RESPECT