Description: I already posted this once, but I only got one comment, and I was hoping for a few more. Sorry, I'm sure its irrirtating when people do this.
I wrote this about Connor Oberst of Bright Eyes. I was listening to 'The Calendar Hing Itself' [Which is a brilliant song, by the way] and something made me get up and write this. I just love how 'real' Connor is.
Any comments would be appreciated, particularly non-compliments. I know that it still needs a lot of work, but I'm not sure what exactly I should work on.
PS- "Beauty is Truth/Truth-- Beauty" is a John Keats quote that appears in the poem "Ode on a Grecian Urn".
The emotion falls over him like a shadow,
Attacks like a hawk;
Tearing apart
The final shreds of composure
Left within his fragile shell.
There is nothing left inside him
But his lonely, freindless scream
That drags him to his knees
And pins him down
As the emotion rips away his pride
And leaves him lifeless;
Pointless.
There's nothing more beautiful
Than his chronic realism.
The truth,
Though it destroys him,
Is what sets his dreams free:
For beauty is truth,
Truth, beauty.
And his perfect reality
That spurns his dreams
But holds his truths
Is what makes him beautiful;
As emotion rips away his hopes
And dulls the shine
In his bright eyes.
This has a really powerful beginning, particularly the first five lines but it seems to peter out towards the end, after your Jonh Keats quote. The language isn't as strong as in the beginning which gives a disconnected feeling. You should stick with your final thoughts but giving them some strength with some kickass vocab should perfect it.
Well, I'll have to admit that I have no idea who Connor Oberst or Bright Eyes are, but I'm surprised that you only received one comment just the same. I thought you did a really nice job of describing his passion here - yet, it was passionless on its own. Perhaps if you put something of your own passion when you watch him (I'm assuming he's a singer) in - let us know your reaction to his passion.
A few nitpicky details: freindless is spelled friendless; delete "and" after pointless; use a comma rather than a semi-colon after "The truth"; delete 'and' after beauty; delete 'is what' and change 'make' to 'makes'; delete the semi-colon after 'beautiful'.
This is written as if you're standing a distance away and simply reporting what you see, rather than standing close enough to feel the vibration from the music and being caught up in the feeling. I'd like to see more of your own feelings added. mae
Submission Name: Connor
