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    dots Submission Name: 76dots

    Author: honus
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 90/96/32
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1488


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    When I was a boy
    in star spangled
    summer of seventy six,
    I had no notion
    that someday
    I would be offered up
    to strange industrial gods,
    and burned at the altar of
    systematic sacrifice.

    When I was a boy
    In star spangled
    Summer of seventy six
    We watched through
    a cracked windshield
    as rattled parents
    worked feverishly
    on Billy s nose,
    a short-hopped liner
    caught sparks
    in the stony outfield
    breaking him
    just at the bridge.

    (Years later
    he impresses
    weird gatherings
    by passing a straw
    cleanly through the hole
    left in his septum)
    He bled a good part
    of his would-be skills
    into the bed
    of that hatchback.

    When I was a boy
    In star spangled
    Summer of seventy six
    beneath that impossible
    blue sky, running,
    whistling the wind through
    a bulletproof smile,
    teeth like diamonds.
    How could I know


    How could I know
    that I would dip myself
    at the end
    of hemp rope
    into the chimneys of
    explosive furnaces,
    brushes strapped to knee
    and elbow,
    set to sweep

    And lodged there,
    I would meet
    Slow burning


    Submitted on 2005-09-27 21:38:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked the beginning of the stanzas - when I was boy in star spangled summer of 76, though it is a little long for a repeating line. And I enjoyed being taken back to your ball game when Billy's nose was broken. The reminiscenses were really good. Where this fell down was in the present day references. I'm assuming you are either the victim of downsizing or you're stuck in an unsatisfying, dead-end job. But whereas I can visualize the baseball game, I can't 'see' your present day situation. Maybe if you were to compare your tiny cubicle of today with the baseball field of yesterday, or the stain of Billy's bleeding nose on the carpet of the hatchback with the inevitable stains of coffee spilled down your co-worker's shirt - or something to give us a picture of your discontent.

    And frankly, I just don't see how your chimney sweep reference fits. Earlier, you had likened yourself to a sacrifice, but now you're a chimney sweep. I'd suggest carrying on with the sacrifice metaphor.

    Your punctuation is fine with me.

    I enjoyed the past references enough in this that I'd really like to see a rewrite of it. mae
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I always love reading the longer pieces... and this one was nice. You really tell the reader of the past-filled with emotion, good structure and flow. :)

    However, some points of advice. You may take the advice or toss it. Your work-your choice (that is what I tell everyone when I critique).

    Use a little more punctuation. You use some-but not enough. I suggest adding more commas, periods, or elipses. But that is totally up to you. :)

    Other than that, I thought it was real good. I look forward to reading more.
    | Posted on 2005-09-27 00:00:00 | by AngelicDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      It is interesting how there is nothing quite so boring or interesting about us writing about ourselves. It is difficult to stagger across the essential while treading through the ephemeral. Anyway Ithink this pases the test, I'm not setting you up for a slamming. Its actually a welcome change to what one can usually expect to find here so Ithank you for venturing part of you r life and reflections on it.

    Perhaps it jumped a bit between stanzas though. For instance there is an outlandishness in th eopening para which seems conspicuous by its absence in the rest of the poem ... and the chimney sweeping explanation seems like a clumsy metaphor, unless you actually are a chimney sweeper by trade, in which you could have played up on the irony more.

    Anyway, full marks for venturing honestly in to the observation of your life - its probably the most suitable topic we can express since all these other writes about social issues, etc don't move a hair on the backside of a squashed squirrel, but our lives and where they lead are solely and wholly our own responsibility, so it kind of behooves us to look at it from time to time, even if it does seem as though we are strapped to some industrial machinery on a conveyor belt.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]

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