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Wrong Cut?


Author: OrangeWithWhite
ASL Info:    27/m/Buf NY
Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 41 /48 /11
Words: 197
Class/Type: Poetry /Cutting or Mutilation
Total Views: 1256
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1214



Description:




Wrong Cut?



Sometimes I want a hug,
Sometimes I just want to be bugged, I need the attention.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone is there,
And that someone really cares.

I just can’t take being ignored anymore
You have a different excuse every time
“It’s not my fault my mom made me work a double shift.”
You really think that I give a shit,
What reason you have for not being with me tonight?
This is the only reason we fight

You were crying on the phone,
What makes that better then cutting alone?
What makes drinking a better solution?
Is dehydration, puking, and having your stomach pumped,
Better then the small amount of blood that I have lost?
Are drugs better then my knife?
What’s so wrong with the old way I lived my life?

Sometimes I just need to bleed,
This is how I cleanse my soul.
I don’t get smashed, don’t got high,
Don’t beat my girl, don’t drive a car as if it was a toy.
Don’t send our troops off to “war”
So my question for you is,
Why does society make cutting look so fucked up?




Submitted on 2005-09-28 08:48:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  You asked for honesty and thats what you shall get....
lets disect this

"Sometimes I want a hug,
Sometimes I just want to be bugged, I need the attention.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone is there,
And that someone really cares."

this is the introduction to your poem and so being its the most important part.i believe you did a good job but the over use of sometimes takes a little away from what you wish to project for your poem. (as i see it anyway lol)
hmm lets see if i can come up with something to help....

"sometimes i wish for a hug, or just to be bothered. I crave the attentioned, sometimes i just need to know that someone is out there, someone who cares for me."

okies i read what i put dont like it much but you can see what i mean by changing it into something else lol but again i realy do like what you put but i can see that you can make it better.

"I just can’t take being ignored anymore
You have a different excuse every time
“It’s not my fault my mom made me work a double shift.”
You really think that I give a [censored],
What reason you have for not being with me tonight?
This is the only reason we fight"

Now this seems to be a bit self centered. but i see where you are comeing off. You centered this poem around you and your pain. i see that now. this part is a bit tough you may need to soften it up a bit use more visual imagry. here is an example.

" i cant take the pain of being alone. i cant take it that your never here. when i need you close you seem far away. exuses are all you make when i need you this day. dont you see i dont care i just wish that you were there when i called your name."

now i see that im taking away from your own chosen words so you dont have to use those its just an example of imagry.

"You were crying on the phone,
What makes that better then cutting alone?
What makes drinking a better solution?
Is dehydration, puking, and having your stomach pumped,
Better then the small amount of blood that I have lost?
Are drugs better then my knife?
What’s so wrong with the old way I lived my life?"

Now i see that the more farther into your poem i get the more i respect you as a writter. this part i may be my fav. part im not sure yet still disecting here. but i love the words you used and the pain that radiates off each chosen words. this part also makes you think a bit. which is that i love poems which cause me to think.

"Sometimes I just need to bleed,
This is how I cleanse my soul.
I don’t get smashed, don’t got high,
Don’t beat my girl, don’t drive a car as if it was a toy.
Don’t send our troops off to “war”
So my question for you is,
Why does society make cutting look so [censored]ed up?"

NOW i found my fav. part. this actually felt like i was slaped across the face. i love this. ok now i wont be able to think straight this part is amazing this is my favorite part. damn it this is a new fav of mine. wow the wording the symbols everything. im in utter shock and utter amazment.

all in all this is an magnificent peice i dont know why you say you are a horrible writter. im loving this and im adding it to my list pretty soon if i likeyour other works i may end up stalking you. this is beautiful with only few ways of improvement. keep up this wounderful work of art.

all the love
nikki

*kisses*


| Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! its amazing lol i have read two of your poems so far and i love them both and this poem is amazing. i tottaly agree with you 100% its a REALLY beautiful work of art KEEP IT UP!!!!!

~ Love Ashley
| Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by OscuraAmor | [ Reply to This ]
  hey i think that you were reaching out to me or someone. Where have you been lately!You no that you can always turn to me. I can feel your pain and the struggle you are fighting e-mail me at suzieq4024@hotmail k
miss you
suzanne
| Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by suzanne | [ Reply to This ]
  It kinda went downhill when you rhymed knife with life and I flinched with embarrassment

as a former cutter it reminded me of what's wrong with the majority of self-harmers

their complete lack of articulacy and originality.

That doesn't all apply to you, was more just something that bugs me and that the rhyme brought to mind.

The poem has anger and honesty which are always a good start but it has nothing else, no structure, no individual voice, nothing that makes it different from the millions of cutting poems posted on the net. The way it's written it would work better as prose.
| Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]


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