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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: successdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2102



    Description:
       Okay, I'm going to acknowledge up front that this piece requires a bit of work. In fact, it is really a bit of a rant about corporate culture, trends, etc. (which I've had my fill of today) and in that frame of mind I kind of just spewed it out.

    It's loaded with corporatisms and the like, so I appreciate it might not be everyone's cup of tea. But I'm happy to explain (and accept lethal criticism) ..... but doesn't the whole corporate/micro-management thing just annoy the crude out of you sometimes?!?!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssuccessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Harpsichord shrills, or so it seemed,
    as elevator classic rock sands back the edges,
    and lacuna canvasses wait patiently
    for another coat of grey and brackish green.
    The artist–
    (an auditor of logos and surveyed happiness)
    paints by numbers to drive-time radio–
    Hoorah! Another complacent customer …
    Tomorrow's leaders shuffle the two-step
    packaged as the tango,
    so exciting and innovative
    that the turkeys basted hold their breath.

    Up or Out,
    and Up wears a uniform
    of a camouflaged pale and sunken face;
    while Out couldn't hack it,
    or did not know the ingredients for a baste.
    And the Ups shake their heads
    (and greedily rub their hands),
    as the harpsichord plays on repeat
    via powerpoint and mini blackberry screens–
    High five! It's the Western dream.

    WLB – a course that must be taught,
    an acronym for Work, Life, Balance:
    Now that's a clever thought
    (branded, categorised and bought).
    Passion is followed by an embarrassed silence,
    like the woman who shares news of her cramps,
    or the man who needs financial assistance;
    they should have swept it where it belonged.

    "How are you today?"
    one of the photocopies asks:
    And suddenly he wonders
    what he should say,
    but the photocopy has already tangoed away.

    The scent of panic
    only draws their watch,
    so he masks it quickly
    with a shot of scotch.

    The days stretch out
    in enduring persistence
    as WLB
    offers new resistance.

    And the whispers hint
    of peeling paint,
    a hesitant step
    logo misplaced.

    Then eyes downcast,
    the artist appears
    with eraser in hand
    to his worst fears.

    Harpsichord shrills,
    or so it seemed,
    as Up becomes Out,
    and remembers what it was
    to dream.




    Submitted on 2005-09-28 12:36:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love this.. I read this quite some time ago and I loved it then.. I think you are geving your slef less credit.. I mean you can make a few changes here and there... but this is truly a very powerful peice. very vivid description of the souless office place... and the stifling corporate work ethic...

    you intergate the language of the culture , which makes the poem all the more effective, when you say:

    WLB – a course that must be taught,
    an acronym for Work, Life, Balance


    you incaputulate the irony, the hypocricy... in such a nauseating way (which means that it was very effective)

    some minor suggestions:


    I think you need to swtich around a few words. so like,

    that the turkeys basted hold their breath.

    would sound better as:

    that the basted turkeys hold their breath...

    very minor thing...

    but I agree with Abzy, this poem friggin rocks... I love small trinckets of resistance such as this one... how and the mentioning of "out-of-context" social interaction.. like complaining about cramps.. and comparing it to unwanted artisitc creativity and passion.. I thoough that was pretty funny...


    much love

    krista
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      TD,

    Well y'know from the first line i was hoping to hear the word baroque, and the more i read the more i thought the word fit. I'm sure it would be a useful weapon amoungst this salvo.

    And you really let loose too! But as you foreshadowed in the description, there's quite a bit of self indulgent ranting going on. Still i would argue that possibly some of the hysterical parts are the most astute. Example:

    (an auditor of logos and surveyed happiness)
    paints by numbers to drive-time radio–
    Hoorah! Another complacent customer …

    Cynicism and satire are both very subtle arts and you've crammed both arts into the one piece, however, unless woven well these attacks can undermine the purpose of one another. Another example:

    Up or Out,
    and Up wears a uniform
    of a camouflaged pale and sunken face;
    while Out couldn't hack it,
    or did not know the ingredients for a baste.
    And the Ups shake their heads
    (and greedily rub their hands),
    as the harpsichord plays on repeat
    via powerpoint and mini blackberry screens–
    High five! It's the Western dream.

    The symbolism of Up and Out (brilliant personification) are cheapened by your statement of the obvious (which i know you hate).

    TD, this poem rocks!! And raw it will just rock and that's it. It deserves reworking (and not just what i've mentioned) but it only needs a fine brush, to sharpen its teeth. I want to FAV this one but you need to rise to it; because it's good but could be great!

    Only from the belly of the beast do we find true emancipation! Good going!

    Abzy
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      TD [success]
    Such is Success, if such a life could please. But it is the cherished dream of many. I escaped to find myself another Hell.
    I enjoyed your image of muzak – does no one enjoy peace and quiet. Why must there always be some background noise to sooth the beast. The images you paint of the surroundings and life capture the mood and essence perfectly. As does turkeys in their marinade.


    Suggestions:
    1.a pause in S1L12: “that the turkeys basted, hold their breath.” or change to, “that the basted turkeys hold their breath.”
    2.structure of S2 opening. Verb agree etc. perhaps alter to read:
    “Up or Out;
    and Up wore a uniform
    of a camouflaged pale and sunken face;
    while Out couldn't hack it,”
    3.Typos: powerpoint -> Powerpoint; categorised -> categorized
    4.Adjust S3L1 to, “W.L.B. – a course that must be taught,” or “A course in W.L.B. must be taught,” OR better change the first two lines: “Work, Life, Balance 120 must be taught,
    the course acronym W.L.B. for the distraught” - the first four lines I feel are rather clumsy . . . I wonder at the need for them, though the lines that complete the verse are interesting. In this stanza you have a rhyming scheme – accidental I guess?
    5.because of the shift in style after S3; I'd adjust S4 to give uniform length as in:
    "How are you today?"
    one photocopy asks:
    Suddenly he wonders
    what he should say,
    but the photocopy
    has tangoed away. ???!
    6.lengthen S5L3 to: “as the stale acronym”

    I feel this should be used as a starting point for a plan – use it to decide a direction and then with the plan create a write out of the ashes.

    Thanx, C.U. encore

    uncreaTED (Mu-Wi)
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by uncreaTED | [ Reply to This ]
      The first three or four stanzas sucked outright, but the last part was mildly understandable. But I'm very biased because I've never worked in a "Workplace" like the one you've described before, so all I know is from T.V. So uh, good luck with it.
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]


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    75849

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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