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Deadly Disease


Author: Podenco del infierno
ASL Info:    19/M/Ohio
Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 205 /195 /38
Words: 116
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1293
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 747



Description:


.......It is a disease.........addictive, taking over lives and destroying them.......a disease.....potentially deadly......

Just something I came up with one day......so no need to worry......

**This is temporarily titled...if anyone has any better suggestions, i would greatly appreciate them. Thanks.


Deadly Disease



Aches in my head.
Knot in my throat.
Anger in my blood,
And that blood is trapped...
I want to scream.
I want to feel.
My blood boils,
For the anger I have because of you.
Get out of my head.
Leave me alone.
I want to cry,
But my eyes are already dry.
Too many tears I have cried for you...
And in the darkness of this room,
I contradict myself
Because I do need you.
I need your touch...
The pain I feel because of you.
Memories of your cold embrace...
Thoughts rush...
I can't keep this inside anymore.
Where do I go!?
What do I do!?
Your cold embrace.
Death at my wrists.




Submitted on 2005-09-28 23:51:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like how quick paced it is. Sort of gives the poem a cold feel to it. It is not a disease though, it is an addiction, like any other addictions it can indeed be deadly, and control you. It was cool the fact that you never really mentioned what it was about...even in your comments...lets the reader actually use their brain.
keep on keepin on

XOxoXO,
me
| Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really good write. I can't really find anything to change about it. so, just keep it up. Rhyme a bit more maybe...i dunno, well work on.
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  this is agood write, you've completely stopped rhyming now haven't you? i like the imagery and i like the feeling that i always get when i read something you wrote...that its about someone specific, but i you always deny it and i can never guess so oh well...glad that you have internet now...everything about this is great and the only suggestion i have is i would add a line or two about disease so that it fits the title better
'a disease eating my soul' or something (that's kind of lame, but i'm off today so don't blame me)
| Posted on 2005-10-03 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
  This is good and I feel the title is well suited considering the potential suicidal references you have made in this poem. And an interesting look at love, calling it a disease. I like that! It can in fact be very unhealthy and can make you sick just as a disease would. And it can be a bad thing just as a disease would be. I would keep the title! I do agree with Jared about the 'cold embrace' as I wouldnt imagine a cold embrace would hurt you so badly. A warm embrace does make more sense as to why you are hurting so much over this person. Otherwise this is a good poem. A good expression of the depth of feelings and emotions! Good poem! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  This has potential. I think with age you will get much better. There are a few things here that don't quite make a whole lot of sense to me. The second and third lines, "Anger in my blood/And that blood is trapped", really don't make much sense to me. I don't understand what you mean by saying "that blood is trapped". Is your blood being trapped a bad thing? Would you like to let your blood be realeased? If you are trying to say that your anger is trapped, and using your blood as a substitute for your anger, it really doesn't make much sense at all, however if you are saying that you desire to bleed, but your skin is holding the blood in., I guess it makes more sense.. I don't know, I think it could use another look. Then, a couple lines down, you have "my blood boils". I think that could be taken out or changed, simply because you just stopped talking about your blood, shifted thought, then made another blood related statement.. I think pretty much lines 1-8 could use some revision, because the themes of blood and anger are a little overused or used poorly.

From there I don't think it is written too badly, my only other suggestion writing-wise would be to change the line "memories of your cold embrace". For one, you are sad/angry/suicidal because you lost this person, so why would you be reflecting on memories of her cold embrace? Wouldn't you be reflecting on memories of her warm embrace? Also, your second-to-last line "your cold embrace" seems like it would be better as "your cold shoulder", or something like that, simply because you have already lost this person, so you probably don't embrace her much, cold or warm, and it just makes alot more sense that her cold shoulder would make you want to cut your wrists than her cold embrace would.

My only other suggestion would be to somehow separate this in stanzas. It would be much easier to read, and I think properly augmented to fit into stanzas would cause it to make alot more sense. Perhaps experiment a bit with the stanzas each sharing some sort of subtheme or something? Just a suggestion. Good luck!

~Jared
| Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Jared | [ Reply to This ]
  thanks for your comments on my poem your write is very good i feel more comfortable writing in rhyme as it is much more expressful and i am able to release a lot more emotion
for me it is just a style i enjoy

the only thing i would say is i cant tell who you are writing about it might be a little more emotional if you give the people your writing to a visual such as who your writing about

TAKE CARE AND AGAIN THANKS FOR THE COMMENT
| Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how this poem can be interpreted several ways. It leaves the explanation/interpretation up to the reader to decide. Nicely done. As far as titles the one you have is fine, but if you want suggestions, i'll rattle off a few... "Addicted" "Withdrawl" "The New Epidemic"... That's all for now lol
| Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Tim8806 | [ Reply to This ]


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