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    dots Submission Name: Contradicting Venusdots

    Author: RandomFX
    ASL Info:    31, M, Isle of Lewis
    Elite Ratio:    3.59 - 16/22/5
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 969
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1152


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsContradicting Venusdots

    From dawn’s first hazy glimmer,
    Through her shallow rise and fall;
    A gentle caress, a golden touch,
    Her whispered breath lingers still.


    Soft flowing silken shadows,
    Go meandering lazily onward;
    Past sinuous vales of pasture,
    To pool beneath the rapids crest.

    Even as

    A fragile narrow path leads on
    High enough to touch the clouds,
    Testing the summit of her peaks;
    To scale her tempestuous heights


    Unblinking obsidian eyes,
    Survey his newly chosen land,
    No truth within the Holy Grail;
    Her promise fades by tomorrow.

    As he was

    Left on the edge of her reason,
    His heart in the palm of her hand;
    To the tune of her whim or fancy,
    He danced along the razors edge.

    No-one saw how

    He loved this gentle fertile land,
    Yet he knew he could never stay;
    He carried destruction in his hand,
    While followed by blight and decay.

    Perhaps one day he would settle.

    Submitted on 2005-09-29 04:07:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I thought this was well written and defined. Your four line stanzas broken up with single lines works to your favour here - its definitely eye-catching and seems to give it more 'oomph' on a visual level.

    Awesome imagery and word choice. I'm left with not much else to say.

    Hmm, I just read this again. You seem to be surveying this land which is a metaphor for this woman (ie Venus) that you are really keen on. But you don't want to get too close as you will taint her with your blight and decay. That's what I make of it - am I even close?

    Either or, you've given me something to ponder upon... and that is always a good thing.

    Enjoyed thanks.
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      i've read anywhere from 20-30 poems today, and this poem is definitely the best one i've read all day. the poem was well-written, extremely descriptive, and the beauty just leapt off the screen.
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by colagirl | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. i really liked this. it has such great imagery that i just felt like i was in it. it had joyful and regretful undertones to it all at once...it just kind of pulled you in so many directions that it just made me think about everything and nothing all at once. it was really great. the form was strange, but you worked it well. thanks for this :). keep smilin, keep your works coming. :)
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by brokenroses | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a terrific piece! I love the picture you paint here! The way it slides from admiration to regret is wonderful. Nothing really to nit except you forgot the possessive on 'rapid's crest' and razor's edge.' Other than that, fantastic! A fave!



    PS. Where is the Isle of Lewis (or are you just being facetious)?
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I know I'm supposed to be critical, but I truthfully can't find anything to be critical about. This is perfect, perfect rhyme and meter, perfect original structure. Truly one of the best pieces I've come across in a long while.
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by SageContagious | [ Reply to This ]
      Lovely wording...it brought nice images but it didnt make me feel anything much at all...perhaps that just me atm lol...apart from that i would say the words between the verses distract from the main piece..i think that it has the same meaning without them and it seems kind of like stating the obvious..but that just my thoughts :) ...stormy
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]

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