There's desperation exploding from this poem. I can feel your pain here, and I just want to cry for you. We all have once felt the pain of a burden we carry, something that you can't just let go of. I pray that your burden lightens, and that the bucket you carry full of your tears can be poured out, easing your sorrows.
I guess there is sometimes happiness and someytimes uinhappiness, but they don't cancel eachother out, just like sweet things don't cancel bitter things. If you are a really dreadful cook you will know this as a fact. Sweet things strike the taste buds immediately and bitter things have an after effect that strikes maybe a second or two later. So if you eat somethng that is simultaneously sweet and bitter it will roll your eyes one direction in sweetness and roll them the other way in bitterness. A
Anyway I guess it is pretty obvious which way your eyes are rolling when you wrote this. The general outlook for life is to jump over the lows and stay with the highs but the highs are rarely actually highs and the lows seem to get tangled up on our feet. Anyway, its apoem, its a post. Doesn't really leave me changed in anyway.
If you wanted to add a bit of colour in to it you could inject a bit of personal expression, not just feelings, whichmake for something a bit cerebral, but memories, descriptions, of time, place and circumstance, etc. Then you would have a great poem. As it stands at the moment it seems like the seed of a poem. You had some experience. I'm not challenging that. And it ryhmes. That's ok. But it lacks a bit of somethng. The bucket was a great idea but things like
drown me in pain driving me insane I'm draped in despair Where is this miracle Where is this light? Is the end now in sight? One day to be freed One day, to be saved.
are all a bit on the tired side. These words or words like them do not accurately describe much because they are a bit clichéd. Try for something fresh. If you are possesed of the seed of an idea to write something you have done over 80% of the hard work. It justrequires a little bit of work to get something great out there.
Hope this wasn't too rough. I am just saying how it struck me and seeing if I can actually be of any use. take care
This was so painful. These feelings, I wish they could be foreign to me. The idea of the bucket was fantastic. The fact that you pointed out the fact that you could dump the bucket out offered a gleam of hope on this piece. The only thing that I can really say about this is that it was a really great piece. Very sad, but I loved how you worded all of it. I guess I'm not used to reading poetry from you with this sort of tone to it, but you did a great job. Candi
Avery, This is so wrapped in emotion...the use of the bucket...oh hell, I'm not going to sit here and tell you what's good or bad - da*mn Avery, this just makes me really feel for you and wondering if this was just a thought and you whipped out some great write, or if it is inspired by what you are going through...either way...it's a great write and well, I hope you know the rest Lisa
The bucket idea is interesting, an unusual perspective to take on sadness, but it works...the fuller it is the harder it is to carry.
But as for the way the poem has been written, I'm not so keen. It reads like bullet points of misery randomly strung together that you rhymed when there was an obvious rhyme and some of the lines are very clichéd
Why do these sorrows drown me in pain
for example, it sounds like something out of a simple plan song.
And if that's the type of poem you want to write then feel free to ignore this comment.
All I'm saying is that there's a good idea in there badly expressed.
you seem to mirror how i feel all the time, i havent posted it yet but i have a piece called Rally Cry, i think you may like its tone if this is the style you like, very good poem here, thank you for sharing.
Hey there, just dropped by to see your work and found this writing...Going though some tough times?...This work makes me think of relationships and the difficulties in achieving a balance and happiness within us. ..to take it away...this line made me think of pain inside the heart...becoming heavy...longing to be lifted up. Well written Avery, ~Alan