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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Another failed relationshipdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lost and alone
    ASL Info:    19/F/Sandiego,CA
    Elite Ratio:    3.4 - 159/140/58
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 872
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1227



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnother failed relationshipdots
    -------------------------------------------




    I thought 'this time it was for real'
    But now I know,
    I was wrong.
    I'm just not sure,
    what I want anymore.
    I know how lonely life can get.
    But maybe,
    I need a break from you.
    I need time and space.
    I need time to think,
    and space to feel.
    and time to figure out what's real.
    You think you know me.
    But I don't even know myself.
    I'm still living to learn,
    and learning to live.
    Time seems to be,
    going so fast.
    and I can't slow it down,
    to save my life.
    Time seems to be going
    on without me.
    I look around, and I don't,
    know what to expect.
    I look and see,
    that everyone and everything
    has changed around me.
    I don't wanna, be alone,
    but I don't think your ready
    to be a man,
    who can deal with a woman like me.
    I have a big responsability
    and your not willing
    to stand by me.
    and I can't make decisions
    based on how you feel,
    or what you want.
    Because I have to do this,
    for me and my baby.




    Submitted on 2005-09-29 14:02:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked the feeling that you put in this poem.

    I do suggest reworking it a little...

    I thought 'this time it was for real'

    to

    I thought
    'This time it was for real'

    The sentence needs to be broken so it can flow with your poem. It looks off-centered the way you have it. Plus I think the second part pretty much needs to stand alone, because it comes across and hits the reader right between the eye balls.

    Also...

    I need a break from you.
    I need time and space.
    I need time to think,
    and space to feel.

    This is just too much repetition with the words, I need.

    This would work better:

    I need a break from you,
    A little time and space,
    Some time to think,
    And some space to feel.

    Take care,
    Layla
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by colagirl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    75977

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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