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    dots Submission Name: Valediction to Disassociationdots

    Author: AllyRose
    ASL Info:    17/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    7.46 - 41/34/15
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 946
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1120

       I wanted to write a poem that focuses more on imagery than emotion. Put simply, an almost emotionless poem. I'm feeling a little disassociated today.
    Any thoughts, advice or haters welcome.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsValediction to Disassociationdots

    She sits on her bed with her heart on her lap
    Weaving a belt about her soft fingers,
    Wrapping it around her palm, winding,
    Unwinding and rewinding.
    Prowling her mind.

    She sits on her bed and readies to strike
    With the patience and speed of a tigress.
    She moves with a heartbeat as leather flies
    And stops for a moment to divide the sky
    With a sickle's arc.

    She sits on her bed as that long second drops,
    A ribbon of leather kissing her flesh.
    Blue lipstick mark that won't be washed off
    Rises with a smile on to her leg,
    Cursing the air.

    She sits on her bed and looks down at her thigh,
    Leather lover heaving in her gentle hand.
    Skin stands to attention in this embrace,
    Jostling and vying for the bite
    Of a lifeless snake.

    She sits on her bed and watches her heart
    Quiver into the cautious beginning of life
    And stills the nervous, oscillating belt.
    Nodding in benediction, loose thoughts
    Fall from her hair.

    Submitted on 2005-09-29 16:32:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      An unemotional poem about a girl harming herself in the hope of feeling emotion is such an odd, but intriguing concept, and you present very well.

    The first stanza is a really strong start, sets the scene and plays with the language in an interesting way, I can't see any fault in it.

    The second stanza starts well, the first two lines are good but the next three don't seem to flow too well, the way the commas breaks up the rhythm and gives it a disjointed feel that the first stanza didn't have.

    The third stanza has that great image of the blue lipstick mark. It feels like it needs a full stop somewhere though.

    The final two stanzas are as good as the first and the final image of loose thoughts falling from her hair is beautifully abstract.

    So yes, I liked the poem and I hope the comment is helpful and not too much of a vaguely complimentary gurgle.

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-09-30 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Wierd and un-understandable. Interesting, didn't bore me because it was short, but ultamitely, I'd scrap and rewrite. If you want to do imagery try prose, it may work better for this sort of thing.
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]

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