This is a lovely poem. How wonderful a dream this must have been and certainly inspired a really nice poem. I love the sky at night, especially in the fall. Autumn air brings out the vibrance and brilliance of the moon and stars. I often stargaze. It is truly amazing not only in its view but also in the many questions the mind raises about the universe. So vast and incredible. I like this poem just as it is, but you could certainly elaborate on it as well. So many possibilities here. Overall, a very enjoyable read. Nicely done. Take care.
"As I become a star. . Venus dressed in Mars .." I like the image that brings to mind.. You have a neat way with words Tif. A love that is infinite as the sky... <now, that's some kind of love. I enjoyed reading this and imagining it in my mind.. and heart. ~Sandra
Hi Tiff, I like everything about this except that tned to agree about it needing something. And I identify that as in the first stanza:
The Constellations speak to me as I lay down and become the stars
I think the transition from line 3 to 4 is really quite sudden you could soften the entire mood by using some action to put us there with you..
as I lay down am hurled in sky and become the stars.
the the transitions to ancientness seems more apt, also I realize you have used 4 line stanzas, so any thing you like but at least that might help. I love this one Tiff it's a moment in time you share with us, thanks so much. I hope your hand is healing nicely. peace and love,
mmm, nice and dreamy, Tiff, and I liked all your descriptions of what would be if you were to become the sky. More? Of course! It's hard to wreck a poem by making it more, just increases the amount of pleasure!
a haze you say(lol)this was good.ryme was excellent.i was intrested because of the astronomer in me. i love looking up and wondering.this was short and i agree it needs more.but it was good like it was.
take another pill and finish(just kidding) sorry for the bad humor