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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: my love i needdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1037
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746



    Description:
       a poem to Christian Palmer written by Jeremy Catanzarite.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmy love i needdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The only light my heaven gleem.
    Thoughts impressed by moonlit scene.
    Upon a moment, paused in awe,
    sight of cloudless blue sky inthralled.
    Aglow so bright with mystery.
    Soul so lite life whispering.
    So deep and true, grazed spirits dew,
    a touch so silent smooth and pure.
    Between all dream and fantasy,
    bloomed true love, danceing free.
    The only light my heaven leads,
    a peace of mind so calm in breeze.
    A far off place, so sweet the tast.
    so close as one, the secret we embrace.
    Sleepless nights and memories,
    artistic jests poeticly.
    The only light my heaven gleem,
    at drift is the only one, my love I need.




    Submitted on 2005-10-02 14:44:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this poem is very sweet and romantic and does a nice job of expressing your feelings. I do agree with the other comments here regarding maybe breaking up the lines into stanza's but that is neither here nor there. I have written many pieces that I dont use stanza's with and find they are just perfect for the piece. I would suggest to read the typos when you can get the chance and fix them as they do take away from the overall strength of the poem but otherwise this is just lovely and your use of analogies to compare your love is very touching. A very good poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll follow the drift from Jase and Jesi and show you another road you can take in further developing your poem:
    The only light to make my heaven gleam
    are thought of you impressed by moonlit scene
    upon this moment,truly paused in awe,
    this sight some cloudless sky of blue enthralled
    glows so bright upon my love's mystery
    with soul's uplift to life's love whispering
    to love,so deep and true,pure as graced spirit dew
    touching soul with its silence,smooth and pure,
    as if all dreams had touch of fantasy
    in this bloom of true love,danced about free.

    Love,the only light to my heaven leads
    gifted in peace of mind to calm its breeze
    where there is far off place,so sweet to taste,
    as close as one,this secret we embrace
    where our sleepless nights store up memories,
    some artist painted so poeticaly
    my lovd, as light as my heaven gleans
    the drift of you,as my heaven gleam,
    drifts upon you,the one, my love I need.

    The above is only my suggestion,which creates a better flow of the thought process and in keep with a pentameter verse.

    I enjoyed how you expressed your love with associated analogies.
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      
    The only light my heaven gleam,
    Thoughts impressed by moonlit scene.

    Upon a moment, paused in awe,
    sight of cloudless blue sky enthralled.

    A glow so bright with mystery;
    Soul so light, life whispering.

    So deep and true, grazed spirits dew,
    a touch so silent smooth and pure.

    Between all dream and fantasy,
    bloomed true love, dancing free.

    The only light my heaven leads,
    a peace of mind so calm in breeze.

    A far off place, so sweet the taste;
    so close as one, the secret we embrace.

    Sleepless nights and memories,
    artistic jests poetically.

    The only light my heaven gleam,
    at drift is the only one, my love I need.

    Well, I thought I would follow Jesi's lead and copy and paste your poem into here - and fix your typos... I hope you see this in a truly constructive way - if you're going to submit a poem you want it to be as perfect as you can have it. That's just my opinion though, but the visual impact is just as important and tends to distract the reader if there's things that are out of place.

    I also wanted to comment on your meter... there's a few places where it's off... if you read it out to yourself you will notice where the line lengths are longer than others. The hard part is getting that right without destroying your poem or making it sound forced. But what do I know? I'm not one for metered rhyme myself... but I do know how it works. Ask Phantom Pen about that sort of stuff - it's way over my head hahaha.

    I agree with Jesi that this is a nice passionate piece. Well, I hope this critique helped you somehow.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeremy this is a very passionate piece. I felt warmth through out this entire poem. Though there was a few punctuation and grammar problems... I still got the message. I can definately feel that there is someone special in your life. :) and that is good. People need that one somebody to make them smile. though this piece could use some different stanzas...
    (I will also fix the punctuation and grammar so please follow closely... But the stanzas are only suggestions...)

    The only light my heaven gleem,
    Thoughts impressed by moonlit scene.

    Upon a moment, paused in awe,
    sight of cloudless blue sky inthralled.

    A glow so bright with mystery;
    Soul so lite, life whispering.

    So deep and true, grazed spirits dew,
    a touch so silent smooth and pure.

    Between all dream and fantasy,
    bloomed true love, dancing free.

    The only light my heaven leads,
    a peace of mind so calm in breeze.

    A far off place, so sweet the taste;
    so close as one, the secret we embrace.

    Sleepless nights and memories,
    artistic jests poeticly.

    The only light my heaven gleem,
    at drift is the only one, my love I need.

    That only has a few corrections for the ones that I noticed... There may or may not be more, but I myself am terrible at punctuation. I hope that my suggestions helped a bit And this piece is truly an overwhelming and touching piece.
    If I could decide on my favorite lines I would have to say:
    "The only light my heaven gleem.
    Thoughts impressed by moonlit scene.
    Upon a moment, paused in awe,
    sight of cloudless blue sky inthralled."
    and...
    "Sleepless nights and memories,
    artistic jests poeticly.
    The only light my heaven gleem,
    at drift is the only one, my love I need."

    those lines first caught my interest and even ended it to where I wish there was more. You did a outstanding job.

    take care
    Jesi
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]


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