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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fallaciesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 697
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1655



    Description:
       *Edited for format*

    How 'bout now?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFallaciesdots
    -------------------------------------------


         
    I will fold
    and crumple before you

    like one-thousand
    paper cranes
    s p l a y i n g
    broken w-i-n-g-s
    at your feet
    in resigned indignation

    I will offend
    your taste buds
    like weak coffee
    over-sweetened
    to hide my
    tepid flavor

    I will forget myself
    and fumble
    over your words
    t a n g l i n g them in my
    lack of conviction

    I will lay myself
    -bare-
    across the serration
    of your
    indifference
    and make you see me

    I will damage your
    sense of propriety
    r i p open your
    carefully
         arranged
              morality
    and i n s e r t myself
    [inside] your
    shallow, hollow heart

    . . .

    I am not at all honest
    I am not at all strong






    Submitted on 2005-10-02 16:37:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i think that any kind of format just [censored]s this whole thing up.

    this is the sort of poem that you could play with till you are blue in the face, but you would not be changing anything but going around in circles with everyone else.

    this is how i like it and why:

    'I will fold and crumple before
    you

    like one-thousand paper cranes
    splaying broken wings
    at your feet
    in resigned indignation

    I will offend your taste buds
    like weak coffee,
    over-sweetened
    to hide my tepid flavor

    I will forget myself
    and fumble
    over your words
    tangling them in my
    lack of conviction


    I will lay myself
    bare
    across the serration
    of your
    indifference
    and make you see me

    I will damage your sense of propriety
    rip open
    your
    carefully
    arranged
    morality
    and insert myself
    inside your
    shallow, hollow
    heart



    I am not at all honest
    I am not at all strong'

    to me, take all the [censored] away and this is an honest almost shamefully honest write. you get away with a lot of first person because it adds to the concept and you have organised and chosen your words very well so that we take you more seriously than perhaps we would/should/would want to/are used to/would like to admit to.
    there is mystery in your words, something quite confident in your breaking.

    the thing about formatting is that 99% of it is bollocks. it is trite, certainly overused here, and more importantly irrelevant.

    for example:

    'I will <fold> [how does this signify 'folding?']
    and <crumple> [same again] before you

    like one-thousand
    paper cranes
    s p l a y i n g [ok, this one works well enough conceptually]
    broken w-i-n-g-s [are the dashes supposed to symbolise wings? tenuous perhaps but i see no other link]
    at your feet
    in resigned indignation

    I will offend
    your taste buds
    like weak coffee
    over-sweetened
    to hide my
    tepid flavor

    I will forget myself
    and f u m b l e [does not add to the word in my opinion, and does not symbolise fumbling]
    over your words
    t a n g l i n g them in my [same again here with tangling]
    lack of conviction


    I will lay myself
    -bare- [perhaps spaces between the lines would be more appropriate here?]
    across the serration
    of your
    indifference
    and make you see me

    I will damage your
    sense of propriety
    r i p open your [this one has relevance]
    carefully
    arranged
    morality
    and i n s e r t myself [?]
    [inside] your [yep, this one works too]
    shallow, hollow heart

    . . .

    I am not at all honest
    I am not at all strong'

    so in my opinion three of your choices have a concept, but the rest just seem an exercise in what you can do with a keyboard.
    i think trying new things is a good thing, and perhaps this is not new for you. but here, i just think your words are better than the rest of the stuff that just takes the eye away from where it should be like a bird[censored] on a freshly washed vintage mustang.

    be good now
    take care
    on1eday






    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, you took what I suggested in format changes and went even harder! I had to come back and say that this poem has totally transformed... some may not like it and may think it is overdone but I personally think that it shows a lot more visual emotion. I like all the little devices you've used to make your words stand out more. So that's why I'm gonna fav it... it's an excellent example of a 'visual' rewrite...

    Nice one!
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I see that you've had a few views but no one's commented. I feel that the words you employ in this are very strong... but structurally/visually it's not coming off so strong... know what I mean?

    I went all out... centered, italicized, had two line stanza bookends with five line stanzas in between. Take a look at it and tell me if you like it or not. Just a few suggestions.

    I will fold
    and crumple before you

    like one thousand
    paper cranes
    splaying broken wings
    at your feet
    in resigned indignation

    I will
    offend your taste buds
    like weak coffee
    over-sweetened
    to hide
    my tepid flavor

    I will forget myself
    and fumble over your words
    tangling them
    in my lack
    of conviction

    I will
    lay myself bare
    across the serration
    of your indifference
    and make you
    see me

    I will damage your sense
    of propriety - rip open
    your carefully arranged morality
    and insert myself inside
    your shallow, hollow heart

    I am not at all honest
    I am not at all strong...


    Any good? Hope this helps you see it in a different light. I originally had left and right justification but it kinda stuck out a bit too much.
    Peace,
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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