ok the starting of the poem sounds a little like the starting of killers by iron maiden..but i gets better after that. maybe it could have a little more discription and a more emotion. i want to feel the fear slowly seeping and finally paralyzing me...
I think this could make a cool song as well, with a little work. I don't like how the verses/stanzas seem to flow. The rhyming is also off. If you're planning to make it into a song, I would suggest trying to add a little rhyme. I don't know, it just didn't do anything for me.
Wow, this is really interesting. The scheame was a little confusing tough, did you want it to ryme, or was it suposed to be free verse? I like the anitail story line though. Bored classrooms seem to make for a good writing place. Great job.
Submission Name: The night fight
