Thump by Brack-Attax

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Submission Name: Thump dots

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Author:	Brack-Attax
ASL Info:	21/male/phx
Elite Ratio:	6.53 - 175/116/21
Words:	103

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	292
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	759

Description:
I just decided to click submit and start writing...
go ahead and speak your mnd.

Thump

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Thumping is born,
your mind is getting electricuted by
the sudden intervales.
your eye twitches,
perhaps water is formed if
the voltage is high enough
you can hear the thumping
within you mind,
it hurts, causing
your emotions to turn red
but then suddenly you realize something.

While your head was slouched downward,
reaching the point near your chest
there is a breif moment of silence.
then......

A thumping is heard....
a different one though,

it is your heart,
the sound of this thumping
is of greater attraction to you.
then you suddenly.........

you have nomore headache.

Submitted on 2005-10-04 00:17:18 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey. I know it says over all assessment, but I just wanted to point out a few things. Just gramatical stuff:
You have:
"within you mind, " -I'm thinking you want ''within <<your>> mind," - just forgot the 'r' is all :P

And down lower you wrote:

there is a breif moment of silence.

And I think (though for some reason I question myself) that 'brief' is spelled like that lol, 'brief'. Just gotta switch the letters.

And finally the last part, your sentences didn't quite work, because it says 'you' in both of them, and in different ways (You'll see what I mean - I hope):

"then you suddenly.........

you have nomore headache."

You might wanna get rid of the first 'you' in the beginning of the sentence.

But anyway, I know that in the desciption you told us that you just randomly decided to press submit and start writing, so I can understand how over looking the tiny matter of spelling and shtuff. I used to be really bad at grammar and spelling myself, (I mean, I couldn't spell my way out of a paper bag) but since I started reading and writing more they just seem to jump out at me whenever I see them; and when they jump out at me I stop reading temporarily and become distracting. It's quite bad actually.
But anyway, sorry to be so nitpicky on you, I know it didn't ask for anything like that...
Before I leave I just want to let you know what I absolutely loved about the write. It was totally unique. I find it hard to think of my own ideas out of nowhere like that, so hats off to you. I never expected anything like that, and being (pleasantly) surprised is something I always look forward to for reading. I really liked it!
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
  a very intersting twist to the 'i found someone new'. nice work, mike.

i really like the form/flow of this. at just a glance it seems as though it would be choppy and distracting, but it worked very well.

take care, mike.

~Kim
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  This write is very different then a lot of writes I have seen
It is almost hypnotizing in a way drawing the reader to the head and then the heart
Very Creative my Friend
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent Mike, I know what you are talking about with that headache and heart connection. its horrible! I drink alot of caffine and when i stop, i get those nasty little suckers. yes I definately feel this write. very nicely done. the human body is a marvel but its pain sheesh sometimes its very hard to deal with and yet we need it. swell job,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this is odd but interesting as well. I am thinking the headache is painful and powerful and interesting described as electricution at sudden intervals. I have had a few that could be comparable. But then you move on to noticing your heartbeat and I am reminded of how they say if you get a distraction away from the pain it helps or if you stub your toe and then someone kicks you in the leg, your toe dont hurt no more cause you are focused on the leg pain. hee hee! I dunno. I may have mutilated the meaning of this poem but I just had to comment on the originality of it! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

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