Do you walk,
a gift-wrapped package,
They know nothing but your skin?
And though you long,
with heart and mind,
you never will fit in.
Calm-sauvage, the sea
it enitces me
The soil, a rich thick loam.
Ships that journey
across the bay
stir and flick the foam.
from the mechanics floor.
across the room,
shatters at the door.
Please don’t cry,
make the choice
Be strong for your mother.
Don’t bite the hook,
know he’s just your brother.
She Picked one?
Did you lick one, flick one?
I Missed one,
And that’s it, this done….
the storm blows over
father holds out his arm
he’ll keep you from all harm.
And so you type
a conventional poem.
Rhythm and rhyme scheme
And while your fingers
fly over the keys,
your toes begin to dream.
| Hey. This is gonna be quick (ish) as have just got back from a long shift at work. boo hiss. |
A lot of the internal rhymes work really well. I like the use of alliteration (my favourite rhyme) especially on 'flicking up the foam'.
A couple of things that didn't sit right : firstly, 'the clearest sea/circles me.' The rhyme of 'sea' and 'me' seems a bit simple. I feel that the poem is too good for this rhyme.
Also, why the capitals? And friend of mine uses italics all the time to really get her points home, but maybe you shoud try to be more subtle and trust the reader to understand what you're saying without the bulldozer that are capitals.
Just an idea.
|| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Paradelle | [ Reply to This ] || i love this... the rhym the rythem the imigery (my spelling sucks but you know what i mean) the flow of your poem is almost as beautifull as the words in it.. i can hardly express the amount of inspiration i feel right now as i type this critique.. in a way your right your father will always keep you from harm but in a way i feel like there is more to what your are typing in that line then just that... am i right??? |
love and light
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Archer | [ Reply to This ] || Hey Penny,|
I think i like this one best. It really says about "MY LANDSCAPE" one way or the other and is indeed inspiring to read and to consider. You've really captivated me directly into imagination and inspiration.
It might be your style to write three line stanzas but somehow i prefer the four line stanzas in this poem structurally. Just personal opinion though.
This piece created an image of serenity and sea shore atmosphere. Walking through the beach and being to see life through a domestic atmosphere.
Anyhow, i have to go now but i will go in depth detail when i get more time.
|| Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || I will begin by stating that I definitely would not bang you on the head with a mallet and your poems are far to good for that treatment so while I will not rip your poems to tiny shreds here are a few comments. |
Firstly I am not sure if I got all of this. My understanding is of a teenager feeling alienated within the family group. You express teenage angst wonderfully and typical family situations with older sisters arguing with their younger brothers.
The introductory image is good but possibly
Do you walk, a gift-wrapped package?
They know nothing but your skin.
would work better. I'm unsure how necessary the capitals are in 'his place is my home' albeit, I realise you are using them for emphasis.
Initially, I was unhappy about ships plodding as the heaviness and slow moving seemed to work but the suggestion of walking was odd. However, on rereading I gathered this was a metaphor for people/family members and 'flicking up the foam' meant emotional turmoil.
The flying glass I find more confusing. Is this supposed to be reality or symbolism for angry words?
I like the way you use rhyme for the third lines and the simplicity - the vast majority of words being single syllable. The discordant and broken rhythm for the argument is well done but I don't know if I followed 'kissed one ... this done...’ but that may not be important as arguments are confused.
My favourite line is the last one. It’s a wonderful image of toes wanting to roam.
I think this poem works well because you have captured a typical family situation. All families have their tiffs especially during the teenage years. I know at times my daughter and I had what amounted to a pitched battle of words mainly based around social life v homework. There are times I could definitely have taken a mallet to her. I'm glad I didn't! We’re the best of friends now and she still managed to get her degree.
I think you are right to welcome friendly criticism because as you say that's the way to learn. I'm no teenager but I know that my poems could definitely do with polishing and there is a great deal of room for growth. My daughter, peacenik, is one of my firmest critics. She's the real poet in the family and Indeed, it’s my daughter who introduced me to this site.
Finally enjoy being a teenager these should be amongst the best years so make the most of them. Have fun and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Love and peace
|| Posted on 2005-10-05 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ] |