Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: my girl's brightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: toyysruss
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 494/336/134
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 989
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1107



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmy girl's brightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In you're light,
    ...I wish I reflected
    Cause now,
    ...All I feel is neglected
    The bulb's burned out
    ...And I don't know why
    The question is,
    ...Did we even try?
    The sun comes back
    ...Every single day
    That much you promised me
    ...Always here to stay

    Will you're light,
    ...Shine apon again?
    And will it look apon
    ...The one,you once called friend?

    Let's start with a candle
    ...If that's all we can handle
    And put are arms together
    ...Two birds of a feather
    That's what we used to be
    One plus one,
    ...Equals you and me

    In you're light
    ...Was when I was the warmest
    And all this guilt now
    ...Is getting enoremous
    I tried to be
    ...Everything I could
    And all I'm doing now
    ...Is wishing you would
    Light up my life again
    ...I'm trying to say
    It's really getting cold here
    ...Please come back my way




    Submitted on 2005-10-05 16:54:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      excellent this describes me and a relationship that has ended. it makes me wonder did i try all i could. did i do all that i should. but i loved how it flowed together and just reached me on a personal way. personally i think that if a poem can reach the reader on a personal level i think its terrific and as a writer when i can reach someone than i feel amazed that i can make someone feel to a degree of what i feel. anyway great work, my fave lines were

    "In you're light,
    ...I wish I reflected
    Cause now,
    ...All I feel is neglected"

    "And will it look apon
    ...The one,you once called friend?"

    "Let's start with a candle
    ...If that's all we can handle"

    "And all this guilt now
    ...Is getting enoremous"

    those lines are just some of my faves. great work keep it up...Joy
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent write

    I almost see this with a reggae beat behind it
    You really captured a feeling in me with this write
    Great Job
    Ron

    And thanks for your recent comments
    I always enjoy hearing from you
    Know the reason I write is to let others know there is hope in life we just have to open up and let it in
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      All you need now is someone to put this to music and market it for ya.
    Can't find anything to critique here as it seems well written to me.
    !doc`
    | Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great lyrical piece and I liked the format you used and the word play worked really well.
    I think enormous (enoremous) was a typo but this was very tight and allllll right!
    Rock on!
    Love,Peace,Joy! tif
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    76656

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry