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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Prove the Pointdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: slntfirflm
    ASL Info:    26/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 301/331/93
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Them
    Total Views: 995
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 363



    Description:
       For anyone who has ever been told they are not good enough...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsProve the Pointdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Falling gently down the slopes
    I escape from all I truly knew.

    Thriving to be successful
    in this forsaken world.

    Bitter thoughts linger in my mind
    trying to comprehend all that could be mine.

    Not one turn down
    will make me weak,

    I will show you all
    Who put me down...




    Submitted on 2005-10-06 20:40:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well this one is very short, but good, one thing that is off is the line

    "Falling gently down the slopes
    I escape from all I truly knew"

    because you are in present tense and then you go to past tense, o i get it just throw that out i understand now.

    I really like the lines

    "Thriving to be successful
    in this forsaken world.

    Bitter thoughts linger in my mind
    trying to comprehend all that could be mine"

    I know what it is to try really hard and deserve something and then don't get it and when that happenes it p!sses me off.

    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      Jesi, a well stated and neccesary write. to stand up and be counted is even something i have to look at. i usually slink off in the shadows. I'm not good with being put down, being told I'm no good. I have a bad reaction to those things.
    I marvel at your strength not willing to let those who come against you to bring you down. I do feel bad reading this though finding out that people have put you down resulting in the motivation for this write. I hope you do all that you strive to do in life Jesi. best wishes and may all your paths be straight,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      As a short piece it reads well. I think you get your point across well. I would suggest one ochange in the last stanza with,

    I will show you all
    Who put me down...

    I would change the who into a those and add a simicolan in the previous line like this,

    I will show all of you;
    Those who put me down...

    Other wise it is fine. I will say that as it does get your point across it fails to connect the intensity of your emotions in this simple metaphor. The subject you are addressing is rich with imagery and fleshy details. You could definately extend this poem so that it adds more substance to you message.
    | Posted on 2005-10-06 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]


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