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    dots Submission Name: Waiting For Youdots

    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1626
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 822


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaiting For Youdots

    Falling leaves rustle outside
    Unsettled in the wind,
    has made them restless.
    Steady breeze streaming
    through the window
    greets elegant champagne
    alive with romance.
    Effervescing passion,
    intent filled bubbles rise
    in haste to burst releasing
    subtle scent of desire
    into the air.
    Candles compete,
    one against another
    emitting delicious raspberry glow.
    Their flames, flickering of want,
    reflect a warm invitation
    onto black satin sheets who whisper
    for gentle domination, a touch,
    softer than their own.
    Blanketed only by
    the heat of an aroused body
    seductively wrapped in
    dark burgundy silk
    lying patiently,
    waiting for you.

    Submitted on 2005-10-07 09:49:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow! Pant! Love this poem (pant, pant!!)
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Grrrrrroooooowwwllll! (and people say I create imagery, sheesh)

    You've used simple words here to create a very powerful scene. In a way, you use all of the stereotypical romance ideas to lead us happily where we want to go. Champagne, candles, satin sheets, all of the things we associate with an erotic encounter.

    I think you're just risque enough here to be effective.
    the heat of an aroused body
    seductively wrapped in
    dark burgundy silk

    Your title and closing line wrap the poem up nicely. All of this, "waiting for you"

    Nicely done!

    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      hey IMZ...first let me just say it amazes me how many people your work helps and it's very inspiring.and now to this write in particular...I must say there was passion and wonderful sensory details throughtout the entire thing. the beggining suggests things started in a slow pace and got...faster in a sense;) I liked how the scene came so easily and instantaniously to the reader. like you could smell the candels and imagine the leaves silent rustling...I loved this one...and it really must have been good for whoever u were waiting around for lol.
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I can just picture the cozy dinner as the candles flicker from the nightly wind blowing in from an open window nearby. The satin sheets waiting beckons the lovers to come and express their hungry desires...
    This write painted a beautiful picture of a night of romance and passion. A poem well done, Lorna!
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Blanketed only by
    the heat of an aroused body
    seductively wrapped in
    dark burgundy silk
    lying patiently,
    waiting for you.

    this is steaming...is it hot in here?
    ...or is it me? Phew!
    now , seriously this is an amazingly sensual pem,
    and the bit i quoted is so vivid i am almost there..
    you have painted such a clear picture with the entire poem, i feel a bit like a peeping tom...
    so clever and so passionate....well done
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
      The main things I sensed from this was passion, desire and an enormous undercurrent of sexual sensuality and seduction. It really was very good and I will go and have a cup of tea - Phewwwwwwwww !
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      My first observation is that the poem leaves were it started, in waiting. What is described is the moment before fulfillment. What is left in resonance is the longing for companion ship. What is curious is that the champagne is already poured. what is telling is that she is waitng in bed. When I finished reading the poem i felt the questions come up, did he ever show? Though nothing in the text leads me to believe that he wouldn't yet it is appropriate to ask.

    Well, as far as seductive goes this poem is very good. The aliteration in many of the lines accentautes S's soft C's and E's lending to the sensuality of your words. I like these lines best of all,

    greets elegant champagne,
    alive with romance
    Effervescing passion,
    intent filled bubbles rise
    in haste to burst, releasing
    subtle scent of desire

    I found them to be very descriptive. I did think that a line about the breeze giving her goose bumps would have been nice to draw attention to her internal state as well as the ambience of the enviroment. Drawing the eye to the object of desire as well as the love nest. Nice write, Marco.
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      ow ow black sheets...so very sexy. i loved the lines when you're describing the candle flames that can mean so much more than just fire but desire. LOVELY really lovely. and the line about them whispering for domination...wow seriously wonderful here. all the imagery and the desire and the heat and the touching that will ensue this tortorously long wait of yours.
    great write
    | Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of one idea, often the anticipation we encounter is more enticing than the act of loving. That idea is the epitome of desire and desire is why we get up and move at all.

    Beautiful, I wanted to be in the scene, with my lover that you have painted so delicately. Someone questioned the color of clothing, and red or similar hues might be cliché'. But that is up to you, it's a great write, thanks for sharing.
    peace and love,
    | Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      You have created a wonderfully sensual voice in this that has certainly created a lot of comment. Your use of sibilance and alliteration throughout is just amazing. It seems soft and hushed like the rustle of leaves and the use of colours is also very effective - ‘the raspberry glow’ a forbidden fruit connotation and I think dark burgundy is just right. I wouldn’t change a thing. Really impressive read.
    Keep in touch, Comradenessie
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow Lorna,
    You should write a novel on passion and desire..you're so good at expressing it. This was so well written... slightly subtle, with a sensuous, seductive setting..and your description of it all was superb.
    Very nice,
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is quite the little arousing piece that you've got going onn here. At first, I thought this was going to be a poem about autumn/fall, but then it became clear rather quickly that I was wrong annd it was about something else. Something far more appealing to the senses than a crisp cool breeze and asome scenic fallen leaves on the ground.

    Your imagery here was quite good I must say. It was so detailed that it really put my imagination to work, and started my engine a-revving. It was a very inviting picture that you painted in my mind, indeed. I culd see the scene in my mind, and wanted to be there, the one that would walk in that door and be welcomed in such a manner. Very good. For you, the writer. But not so good for me, the single reader with no available outlet for such an aroused imagination.
    Good write, really. I'll be in the basment.

    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by timberwolf720 | [ Reply to This ]
      woo Lorna ,
    the thing is you manage to make it sound so beautiful and it is , just have to find it again lol.
    great job
    take care
    Elaine x
    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by lainie75 | [ Reply to This ]
      You've set quite an atmosphere here to create that romantic mood for Mr.Lucky. In the beginning I didn't exactly like the 'as if' I thought it might be better to be more convicting than that, but for you I can look past it

    I like how the scents combine, yet the flickering flames compete. I bet that means something, I just don't know what.
    This is more mysterious than alot of your pieces, and its easy to paint everything in my head as I read it.
    This also would be delightful if spoken.

    Thanks for sharing,
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]

    someone is in a very interesting mood

    this was a good write
    the message compared with the text was perfect
    i tried once to write a poem dealing with the erotic but i just didnt have it in me
    thanks for your recent comments
    i truly enjoy hearing from you as you have such a positive outlook

    writing poetry has definately helped me heal

    believe me words could never explain the sheer hell ive been thru

    Take Care
    | Posted on 2005-10-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I think someone is feeling freaky...hehehe. I loved this poem. It had a gothic/ Heart video "These Dreams" thing going on. It was filled with imagery and it flowed well. Great job.

    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      this is much much better than the drab love blah blah I thought it wa going to be. I just read a poem that was about well....something similar and believe me when I say this is heads over it.. I mean this is personal and deliberate and the pics you painted were amazing-I aM ACTUALLY IN AWE--i AM NOT SURE i READ TOO MUCH OF YOUR STUFF BEFORE BESIDES THE FOOTBALL ONE AND i AM NOW SORRY FOR THAT..Sorry bout the caps-anyha excellent bit of painting there LMZ
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]

    Now how Am I to get this picture of you in this scented candle lit boudoir with bubbly Champagne and you stretched out on black satin sheets in skimpy(this is my fantasy) burgundy lingerie?????

    As I read this , the strangest thing happened my computer, actually the desk it is sitting on, rose nine or ten inches!! I could barely reach the keyboard.

    Now! Do you see what you do when you write stuff like this?????

    For crying out loud! Be careful !!

    Sweaty, stiff Steve
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow hot stuff Lorna. Again you say so much here with so few words. It is very vivid and erotic and I love it. I sure don't see anything to criticize here at all. Thanks for another super write. Very well done.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by rankamateur | [ Reply to This ]
      fragrently smells spread through out the desires that causes one to admire and have their hearts burst in fire Burning for one's lust can not resit the must not have rules so that is how fools fall in love and i am done for I have none to love lol i can ramble on about things that are senseless here or I can talk about your poem that is great? umm i rather talk about your poem. this has more to offer as romance than i have a chance in a field of flowers and not getting any lol
    nice poem here
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
      Whew! Let me pull myself together, here. Wow! HOT! I'm not sure how I got from "Falling leaves" to "dark burgundy silk lingerie", but it was definitely a trip worth taking. Oh yeah, I remember now, it was that "elegant champagne" "releasing, / subtle scent of desire". Got to get me a Magnum of that! What's it called, "Dom Pheromone"?

    A brilliant dish of longing, bordering on erotic, never offensive, tastefully presented, luring the reader in, like a siren's call. It is a gentle piece, right until we uncork the champagne, and let out the desire, the longing, then it becomes sensual, heightening emotions, and alluding to things erotic. I loved every line of it! So, I must bottle it up and store it in my FAV locker.

    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      YOU HAVE done quite a thing here i see the leaves as restless, human characteristics, a pErsonificatioN, very gOoD. as well with the breeze and the champange. the flames of the candle Flickering with want nice touch. and the satin sheets whIspEring with want hmmm woNDer What other stories thEy could tell? overall very nicely done. shame I didnt see all these things before. excelLent one Lorna,

    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      why burgundy? why not navy? sorry, its just so cliché. she's always going to wear somekind of red teddy or panties. i wish it was like white lace, or blue velvet.
    its a personal thing of mine.:::shrug::::
    now to the writting. it was very intimate, and lush. i loved the descrition of the champagne and the bubbles. it was hot and steamy and right when you get to the point,it was as though the door was slammed in my face. but that was awesome! please feel free slam, slam away. it was a good time, and now for a cold shower.
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like the things needed for a night to remember. Everything is so inviting, so right. Even nature agrees with the mood. Its like so soft and suttle things are put in places where they need to be and everything that is suppose to happen will. Reminds me of something my sister would read in those fabio romance novels. Truth is i like those lol so i find this to be a pleasant piece i went through somethings today nothing good but reading something like this reminds me of some of the things in this life that are still worth living for. Those precious moments in your life that remains with your tainted memory. You put everything in perspective and the words you chose are simple and it goes with your theme. Thank you for giving me something to remember and smile about Keep Writing i will be back for more. And much thanks for commenting on my poem "Bull[censored] Racism"
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by wallya20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, such passion and descriptive words.

    I like the mood here. The air seems so thick with passion that it would be hard to not be in the mood.

    I think I will go out and by some black satin sheets.

    Great passionate write. Love it

    Keep them Coming

    Wisdom Seeker (Clyde)
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the first 4 lines most cause it flowed and seemed sincere. I think today I'm going to do one of my famous rewrites, fasten your seat belt, Wallmark is going bye bye

    Falling leaves rustle outside
    Unsettled in the wind
    as if anticipation
    has made them restless
    A breeze slips quietly
    through the window,
    greeting liquor
    alive with romance
    Effervescing passion,
    intent filled bubbles rise
    in haste to burst, desire,
    The scent of lust
    escapes into the air
    wanting to burn out,
    candles compete
    Their flames like want,
    reflect a stared invitation
    onto satin sheets, who long
    for total domination, a touch,
    much rougher than their own
    Blanketed only by
    the warmth of a [censored] in heat,
    legs wrapped in
    cheap silk,
    waiting quietly,
    spread wide for you
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      Another shining star to your name Lorna... nicely written with very livid images I mean gosh Why am I sweating over here... I like the nature sense you put in here and then the candles racing agaisnt each other... Very nice images and dang super sexyness supreme the description of the room... wish I could do something like that in mine lmao... great write enjoyed it like I would enjoy a nice lemonade in the middle of summer with 100 degree heat even though that is what it feels like right now... lol

    Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      Goodlord you make me want to go on a honeymoon. This poem is bursting, oozing with such raw emotion. Makes me think of Cruel Intentions. Excellent way to incorporate the major senses into this. Touch- "Lying patiently"
    Sight "Black satin sheets" Smell "Raspberry, subtle scent of desire" Taste " champagne"
    My fiancee' will be very greatful now that I've read this. He thanks you.
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Cinder7 | [ Reply to This ]
      My goodness! You are clearly the queen of passion. I love the way you described the rustling leaves being restless, the candles competing, the whole thing was just awesome! I can just imagine you anxiously awaiting for your love and to begin a wonderful night of intimacy! Another great passion poem dear!
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll be right there! ;-)

    Nice soft, sensual tone to this. You’ve captured the desire well and given us a nice picture of her waiting there for her love. Good work. Only a few minor things I'd change. One thing though – watch for commas that interrupt a continuous thought. You shouldn’t have commas at the end of a couple of lines b/c you want it to flow into the next.

    Falling leaves outside – DELETE ‘RUSTLE’
    as if anticipation
    has made them restless
    Steady breeze streaming
    through the window,
    greets elegant champagne,
    alive with romance
    Effervescing passion - NO COMMA
    intent filled bubbles rise – NO COMMA
    in haste to burst, releasing
    subtle scent of desire
    into the air
    Candles compete,
    one against another,
    emitting delicious raspberry glow
    Their flames, flickering of want - NO COMMA
    reflect a warm invitation
    onto black satin sheets, who whisper
    for gentle domination, a touch,
    softer than their own
    Blanketed only by
    the heat of an aroused body,
    seductively wrapped in
    dark burgundy silk, - DELETE ‘LINGERIE’
    lying patiently,
    waiting for you
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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