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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Standing in the Momentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 914
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1174



    Description:
       I've actually made music to this, and am considering recording it, anyone think its good enough? If you want an idea of the music, it's acoustic chords, no distortion.

    -James


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStanding in the Momentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Standing on the edge of the world,
    I reach my last salvation,
    To turn around and reach back down
    You were my last exception

    And when the world falls down
    When the world falls...

    Cleanse my heart
    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin

    Standing on the line that you drew
    I pray for cessation,
    Looking at a life you're clearly wasting
    Without your desired elevation

    And when the world falls down,
    When the world falls...

    Cleanse my heart
    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin,
    Stand in the moment
    And look at your life,
    And try to stop the tears
    As they come to your eyes

    And try to stop the tears...

    Cleanse my heart
    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin,
    Stand in the moment
    And look at your life,
    And try to stop the tears
    As the come to your eyes,
    And try to stop the tears,
    As they come to your eyes...




    Submitted on 2005-10-07 14:51:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this would sound so nice on an acoustic. I think you're rhyming could be a little bit better, but the it's quite good! I think that the line "shed a layer of emotional skin" is a little off, something about the adjective "emotional" Using imagery like words could really make this so much more powerful!
    Good Write, keep it up.

    Waywardd
    | Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by Waywarddaughter | [ Reply to This ]
      What i like about this is that it can be played hard or soft. As for wanting to record it, i think it is an excellent idea. This is a really good song, i really do think you should record it. And once again, i'll comment on the chorus because i like one more than the other, I like the last two so much. And like i said, go ahead and record it, it is really good.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I really am confused about this. I believe that I have an idea or two but I'm not sure. It's probably obvious but I have a hard time seeing things in wide open spaces. lol I love the part....

    Cleanse my heart
    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin

    That was just great! But would you mind discussing the meaning behind this poem with me? Like I said....I'm slightly confused. Then again....it might be like most Nirvana songs with me....I listen to it the first few times and I don't understand it but all of a sudden....it hits me and it's clear. Know what I mean?
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]
      O wow I almost didn't want to comment becuase I don't want you to think I just add anything to my favorites but I think this is another favs add. This was beautiful and I definatly think it's worth recording...in fact it would be a shame if you didn't...I agree with ron in a way...I think that there could be a lot of interpritations to this one and it kinda depends on the reader...it's hard to say which one you first intended but it's cool that it can be taken more than one way and still make sense because religion wasn't my first thoughts on this. Nice one.
    ~peace
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I was reading thru the comments, and at first I thought Ron was crazy for writing that there was a religious theme here, but that is definitely one way to look at it... finding salvation, being cured from sin, I definitly apprieciate the lyrics in that light.
    On the other hand, non-religiously speaking, its a gorgeous song. I bet it sounds wonderful. I was practially singing it as I was reading it...
    good work!
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah. I totally could see this being a cool slow acoustic/clean electric "Bother" by Stone Sour-esque kinda song.

    The whole song was killer, what killed me the most was the first verse. Very, very nice.
    ~Musing
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      hey i promised i'd comment and here i am. my comp at home's totally [censored]ed up, so i'm at the public library paying my dues.

    this would make a good song. the feeling's there the atmosphere is built up. a small typo in the third last line: As the come to your eyes

    shouldnt it be "they" or even "the tears"?

    i liked the chorus, but to tell you the truth, i wasn't so captivated by the verse. i mean it's all right, but just not what your chorus or other writes are.

    "you were my last exception"? well i get what you mean, but exception isnt really the word to go there. might be just me though... also the "you" in the verse is not that clearly defined. i mean i can see it's a love/hurt song, but still you use the pronoun you in both the chorus and the verse, but both to different purposes. it's a good idea, and i sometimes use it myself, too. but if you would paint a much clearer picture of the "you" in the verse.
    it's not a really huge flaw or anything. i liked this a lot. but this would be definitely really really good if you added some more feeling and detail to the verses.

    Zu
    | Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really beautiful

    I took the tears as rejoicing the fact that you were entering heaven
    It definately had a religious theme to it
    Or at least to me
    An excellent write
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i am sure this is absolutely amazing with music. It really hit home and the flow of it just added to its brillance. I really loved the lines:

    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin,
    | Posted on 2005-11-19 00:00:00 | by Sweet as Sugar | [ Reply to This ]
      These are pretty good lyrics you have here. They are genuine and sincere and express your emotions. I think, however, that it could be much longer and more elaborate. There is a lot of repetition which is fine but then the main part which tells a story seems to be lacking. There are really only 2 stanza's here that are not repetitious that give the reader (or listener) information on which your song is based. Then the ending just seems to end without more input as to a resolution or outcome. I think this is good but could be better. take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      It's so nice to read something of yours again. Refreshing compared to the clichés that are on this site. This seems like recording material, it'd make a wonderful acoustic song. The repitition was brilliant... drills those feelings right into my brain. I loved the idea of shedding a layer of emotional skin, like just being able to let go, and stop crying. Perfect idea wrapped in beautiful words. Great job James
    -Steph
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely think this'll make a great song - it makes for a good poem but will definitely be better put to music. I hope one day to get a chance to hear it instead of just read it. Keep up the great work!
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem ALOT.It brought tears to my eyes.What I got out of it was someone being on the verge of their world crashing down on them and people love them and they need to look back at life and realize the good things in life.This is something I needed to read right now because in deep depression I'm on the edge of crashing my own world.Definatly a fave.
    [-Candace-]
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by ArtichokeMosher | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, I think it is good enough.Every words seems to fall into the right place. Its like food for the mind and it is quite delicious.
    "Standing on the edge of the world,
    I reach my last salvation,
    To turn around and reach back down
    You were my last exception"
    This an extraordinary verse that holds so much power. 'You were my last exception' sounds so final. And if that wasnt enough '...the world falls down'
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Tarwen Nevle | [ Reply to This ]
      I really ike the words in this, there's a lot of strength in them, and a touch of reserved anger, it seems. I like the lines:

    "Cleanse my heart
    And wash away my sin,
    As I shed this layer
    Of emotional skin,
    Stand in the moment
    And look at your life,
    And try to stop the tears
    As they come to your eyes"

    Those lines really resonate for me, because that's somethinf I feel like I should do more often, look back on my life and just live out the moment I'm in, rather than get caught up in the past or the future too much.

    Excellent job, really lovely words, and great structure, it really makes this piece wonderful.

    Cheers, Azael
    | Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by Anticlownperson | [ Reply to This ]


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