Candle lit stroll by patrick o

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Submission Name: Candle lit stroll dots

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Author:	patrick o_riley
ASL Info:	16, male, ontario
Elite Ratio:	3.94 - 70/91/25
Words:	172

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	864
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1172

Description:
Drama class, this was for drama class but it was bout someone in that class lol. So how do u think bout this???

Candle lit stroll dots

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Dust covered pathways,
This trail that we tried.
Far away from those other days,
Flowers in bloom nothings dead.

Breaths taking so quiet,
Our movements so subtle.
Were on a love stricken diet.
your image's now muddled.

The trees are still as we walk,
Not a cloud in the sky.
Special conversations when talk,
State your opinion don't be shy.

A small rodent runs past,
A cat is now chasing.
The world is great, it is vast,
Your heart slows its racing.

I'm thankful for you,
For all creations around.
For the sky that turns blue,
We fall to the ground.

I'm lost in her eyes,
so crystal, so blue.
I touch her skin, she cries,
I also start too.

But we got to hold strong,
Stay alive for each other.
We've been at this for so long,
Love given to another.

One heart loving another,
Two hands reaching out.
Me and you we love each other,
We touch our lips, candle burns out.

Submitted on 2005-10-07 18:22:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Yeah, dude, your ideas were there, but you didn't flow so good through it. The first thing that really bothered me was the whole stanza that delt with the rodent. It doesn't really serve a purpose, and it almost ruins the feelings in it. But line about her heart racing belongs somewhere within it regardless. The part about being finally able to connect, but estinguishing the flame at the same time was really good, and reminded me about my last relationship. I probably told you about it sometime, but just that when I wasn't with the guy in question everything was fine but the second that we were together everything was a mess. I guess I liked it because it made me almost but not quite how I feel about that whole guy situation. But things move on, and there are always going to be more candles to light (and maybe to smother). It was kind of awkward in a few places, but eventually you'll stop doing that (I have faith in you). Overall it was really good, but you just need to clean it up in a few places, that's all. But otherwise is totally awesome.

me!
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the story behind this, but it had a lot of problems with the flow. sometimes the lines just faded into other lines with no real transition. it was very confusing and i had to backtrack to get your point. that takes a lot away from the message. a lot of the metaphors didnt feel very original, either. there are a lot of things that are redundant, both gramatically, and in the story. sorry for the harshness.
| Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by brokenroses | [ Reply to This ]
  wow. i like the story this poem tells. you get a feeling for the entire relationship between the voice and "her". i also like how you put so much into the description of the setting and her eyes, it was very impressive. my only suggestion is the line "I also start too" is redundant; you could either drop the "also", drop the "too", or change the "too" to a "to". other than that the piece was excellent.

~smlaw
| Posted on 2005-10-07 00:00:00 | by smlaw | [ Reply to This ]
  Patrick
I disagree with some of the comments you recieved on this one
This is a strong write where I dont see any flaws at all
Poetry is a personal expression of feelings
And I believe strongly there is no such thing as a bad poem
I for one truly admire your Heart and Soul
You are a very caring person who as you grow older your heart will only grow stronger
Please stay as positive as you are
I look forward to seeing more posts from you
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

76867

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.