Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Locker Talk - Part 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jinx
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.37 - 44/58/26
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 203
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 976



    Description:
       This is the first half of a poem intended to represent to views of one story. The first is the female point of veiw, but I am having much more difficulty creating the male perspective.
    Any pointers on male ways of communitcating would be helpful, as well as any comments on the femaly half.
    Thanks. <ji/nx3


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLocker Talk - Part 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Excitement rages, roars within my chest
    But outside, I am etharized
    Against my own ubiquitous heartbeat,
    Which eminates
    From where it is caught in my throat.
    I stifle my look of disbelief;
    Hide my amazement
    And allow a soft, seductive
    "Hello"
    To escape my tangled lips.
    He freezes;
    Statuesque, a temporary wonder.
    His fresh, citrus eyes study mine,
    And cautiously he ventures a reply:
    "Hey"
    Followed by a deep breath and-
    Wrecklessly, silently
    He sings a tune of lost hope,
    Forfeiting all self-restraint
    Induced only by his own logic.
    Without any warning
    He leaves me wondering if I
    Remembered to wake up this morning.
    Gathering all the little bits of my mind
    As quickly as I can
    I can only establish enough coherence to say
    "I'd love to"
    And smile.




    Submitted on 2005-10-07 23:00:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Break this up into more even line lengths... change your enjambment (line breaks) to how someone would say it out loud... just a few suggestions.

    An interestingly worded poem, but I feel could be worked upon with my suggestions in mind. Or not. It's your call. But yea.

    Peace,
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.