Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Life's Enigmatic r i p p l e sdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: uncreaTED
    Elite Ratio:    4.86 - 58/69/24
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1139
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 752



    Description:
       Only by stepping out of oneself and becoming a detached observer can one learn the fallacy of their convoluted ways.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife's Enigmatic r i p p l e sdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Life's Enigmatic r i p p l e s

    Eyes shut wide to see deep within
    the mind, an unlit candle, shines not bright.
    An amber of hope smolders, then glows
    as obedience rewards a wayward soul.

    Blocking out the World to see one within.
    Time, a layered onion, oyster enclosed.
    Planes of choice confront each moment,
    revealing crossroads to divergent destinies.

    Today's action of future deja vu
    cosmically ripples in propagated waves.
    Nodes of equanimity overlapping poles
    extenuating harmonic suffering or pleasure.




    Submitted on 2005-10-08 06:01:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Mu-wi,

    Ah, i love your imagery here, both in the picture and the poem. I particularly notice the lack of an horizon line in the picture and the translucence of the figure as well.

    As for the poem, i've always been a man of science and constantly facinated by concepts such as chaos theory and wave/particle duality. I've always thought that these sorts of concepts, though difficult to get the head around sometimes, have a lot to teach us about ourselves as beings and the world around us. The illusions of reason, rationality and free will are often guises that allow us to separate ourselves from the world and those around us. The rise and rise of the individual!

    Closing one's eyes and contemplating the uncontemplatable often makes people freak out though, and i mean strange concepts of nothingness, being and infinity. What i hear you say here is not to be scared of the nature of the universe, it can help you if you sit with it, instead of trying to box it in with meaning and consciousness and allowing it the confuse you.

    I particularly like the use of the words - propagated, nodes, poles, harmonic, planes and divergent destinies. These are very fractal images that overlap each other and remind me of going to a place where i cease to be conscious of my own consciousness. Nicely done.

    Abzy.
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      I read the first few words of this one and almost didn't go any further. You start with such an awful cliché that I groaned out loud. I realise cliché can be a neat trick for a writer, but it's so heavy-handed and smacks the reader in the face so immediately that it can't be deliberate... unless it's put down to very bad judgement. I had trouble with the inverted syntax ans word choice in line two also. I mean "shines not bright"? Don't you just mean "dim"? I agree with your other reviewer about "ambers" as well, it really should be "embers".
    The "layered onion" metaphor you use in stanza two is somewhat tired, and enclosing it in an oyster doesn't make it less so. "Divergent destinies"... again, isn't exactly an original concept.
    The third stanza doesn't quite fall into the same traps, but it's not exactly delivered poetically, is it?

    "Nodes of equanimity overlapping poles
    extenuating harmonic suffering or pleasure."

    Sounds like something from a sci-fi text-book.

    Other than the aforementioned criticisms, I had no problem with the piece.
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by smartypoet | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you need "ember" instead of "amber" or maybe even better "amber ember"!
    I liked this poem Ted. I stayed with it to the end. Your onion/pearl idea reminded me forcibly of the play Pier Gynt, which for my sins I read first in Norwegian. Pier is a character who races through life trying on and shedding different personae and leaving his true love, Solveig, waiting and growing old in the birchwood until he eventually comes home from his travels and finds that when he has peeled all the skins off the onion there is nothing at all left inside. I thought perhaps that the burden of big words was gettinga bit haevy for the poem in the last verse. basic rule of thumb - short words carry more emotional punch.
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      the most beautiful sting of words I see here ted is:

    harmonic suffering or pleasure

    this alone stands out because suffering and pleasure is not diffrentiated... they are the same admist this chaotic universal syphoniy.

    whe the ego is turned off a in the inner mind eyes is open to this music... the isness of all range of experiences and emotions are acknowledged.. the dillusions of our desires and suffereing are temporarly pushed inot the back bruner of unawarenesss... it is indeed a very beautiful expericne... and a gorgeous poem I might add!
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    76900

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry