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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Story part 3dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 603
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 595



    Description:
       Last chapter of My Story... read get some popcorn and enjoy... happened on the real so yeah


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Story part 3dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am going to put you
    Where I was that night
    When I was 10 years old
    Outside with barely any lights

    I was walking from street to street
    When I suddently heard a sound
    By the way and their form of speech
    I knew something bad was going down

    Booming the sound I heard
    Bloody the sight I seen
    When they made the autopsy
    He was missing half his spleen

    It was a night of sadness
    One of those that never ends
    Especially since
    I had just lost my best friend





    Submitted on 2005-10-08 15:49:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hello Jose,

    Now I am taking all three of your stories and putting my comment on the latest or perhaps more accurately the final installment part 3.

    My story part I

    st1: here in the first stanza you did not make a rhyme but then later on you did I would probably make line 2 and 4 rhyme just to have it match the other stanzas. Minds do tend to wander sometimes it seems when you talk to a person they aren’t looking at you but off in the distance. I do that often to people since I do have that wandering/wondering mind.

    st2: the future and past musings are nice. the time standing still or moving fast that would seem to be whatever the event or activity is at the time. If I am at a movie time almost seems to disappear, If I am riding on a carnival ride time seems to speed up, and if I am at work at a boring “kill me please” job then time seems to slow down.

    st3: I think the second line could be shortened and you can make it more accurate with the rhyme. “but I’ll share a thought” it is up to you. The last two lines here, how people are, some care some do not, yeah stinks some folks would spit on a person than to show any courtesy whatsoever.

    st4 & 5: you know the mind of a teen is interesting. it is good to know how younger folks think/how they view the world, it sometimes can be a gauge, a slight indicator of where society could be headed, it is not with any dead accuracy but it just a feel for what the future may bring. the first story seems like an introduction to the next story it is almost a prologue in a way.



    corrections:

    “Or does it [run] really fast?”

    “No I [won’t] break down and sing”

    ~~~~

    My story part II

    st1: in the first stanza I never seen a date written like that, well at least from anything I can recollect though it is unusual I kinda like it. the opening up with the setting on the island of Puerto Rico, “R” for Rico, Chico.


    st2: now the tone is here is good you have given a glimpse (though small) into a rough life being poor and many selling dope to make ends meet sounds awfully troubling. the word horror to define that type of life is saddening and I would say being homeless a few times is also a horror, I can sympathize with the plight of those who suffer.

    st3: on the third line “and gossip escaped everybody” I suppose that may work since it could be escaping circles and mouths, hmm that’s ok. hehe chaotic as action movies cool.

    st4: I like how you write the individual meant nothing along with stereotype, when a group has the focus each person is treated as just some “ “ fill in the quotes you know it is hard times. The merit of the individual is stripped. I like how you write the type of trash talked by others in quotes “they will be dead or in county jail” you forgot “so f em” or whatever the common bigoted remark would be.

    st5: the ending of the second story leaves it off almost like the first did. but home is where many things begin. This home could mean where one grows up as far as a house, country or commonwealth. though home can just plainly be a place that a person loves that could encompass a wide range of things.

    ~~~~

    My story part III

    st1: now a jump into the past in this last segment. Here the description is good you could always add more but it does give me images. There is a boy outside in the night away from lights. I think what is absent here is what the boy is feeling. but later on it does give a little more on that aspect.

    st2: on the second line here you have “suddently” should be “suddenly” on the third line you have “by the way and their form of speech” I think it might be better as “by the stress and their form of speech” way and form seems to be to much the same. the tension is good.

    st3: here the story grows much more grim as a boom which I imagine gunshot or blast from a rifle/shotgun and then bloody. the autopsy with the half of missing spleen is gory. I do notice more of an attempt to rhyme in these verses I do believe that you do free verse quite well, I understand the rhyme bug sometimes it hits and wont let us write without rhyming things. you can fix those close rhymes are not it doesn’t matter too much because none of them are really solid, it is more lyrical in that sense.

    st4: the tone drops here downward sharply with the loss of the friend setting a gloomy haze on this write leaving off very depressing.

    well there is 3 of your series for the cost of one comment. I thought since I was going to read them back to back anyway I would save it all for the last one. A good trilogy though there always can be more, perhaps turn 4 lines into 8 lines and make it a saga. Well done Jose,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, wow. that took me by surprise. Thats really sad. I know how it can be losing a friend, and at such a young age that had to leave mark. I'm sorry Jose. It was good write though.

    Drea
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
      (shocked face) Thats so sad. I didnt see that coming at all. Im so sorry. How long ago was that? I cannot relate, but by the way you wrote it, I can feel some of the sadness. Good luck with everything. I'll ttyl. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh! My god I am so sorry! This is so tragic and must be so hard for you to deal with every day. This is something one can never forget I can only hope you have come to terms with it and it doesnt weigh too heavily on you now! How awful. Well this certainly wasnt the way I wanted to see this series end. I just hope you are dealing with it better each day. And I hope you have found peace from within. This is very well written, once again and ties in nicely with the previous writes. Once again, I am so very sorry for this horrible loss. Take care Jose!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-08 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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