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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Inquietudedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: orderly conduct
    Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 51/80/36
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 569



    Description:
       i couldnt fall asleep, my shampoo was distracting.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInquietudedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Restlessness lingers near my shorts
    Or maybe itís just the dust
    That surfaced when I ran

    From countless errors
    That I wrote myself on a word document
    Without the capitals
    Or punctuation

    Restlessness lingers around my hair
    My eyes
    My mouth
    Curving into unnecessary laughter

    Disturbance. They told me,
    Was something I caused
    But I swore to them that I was reserved
    As always
    Picking away at the restlessness
    Costing me my rest




    Submitted on 2005-10-09 13:47:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      good poem, it generates what poetry links to consciousness
    | Posted on 2006-06-21 00:00:00 | by gjenkins | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm under the impression madness dictates form (for you at least) and leaping from thought to thought like a neurotic mountain goat is simply how your mind works. I have no (that is, 0) problem with form, style or word choice in this piece, and those who are unhappy with a write about the irritability of restlessness must be plenty irritated themselves (and ,therefore, not fit to judge). You got the point across rather succinctly (with a little biting humor on the side), nicely done.
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      haha. you write like a white boy. haha. haha. and all those faggotries that tagged you before me. they have no idea.
    i didn't ever know you knew words like Inquietude
    | Posted on 2005-10-19 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      i hate the word restlessness. there's an uneasiness about it. ha. ironic. the idea of restlessness is fine. the word isn't.

    i agree with the person below me. your poetry form is fine. and if it's not, it's okay. because it reads right. and it's fine.
    weird is a stupid thing to say.

    "Or maybe itís just the dust
    That surfaced when I ran"
    i really like this. all of it actually. it all reads the same feeling as that first line. which was almost genius.

    oh, and your description? nice.
    shampoo jokes are so not funny. what was that guy's problem?

    anyway. i think i'm going to stalk you now. oh and it'll be nice if you could read my other poems. thanks for the comment on IMAX experience.
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      nice s h i t kid,
    randomness it one of those things most folk don't understand, that's why you got people like toxic rayne telling you it's wrong.
    i know you knew what you were doing with this.
    off the cuff.
    f u c k all that perfect format bull[censored].
    it's not neccessary.

    lemon whitstle your turbo frog. it's time for soup.

    peace
    strange
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by strangeling | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting, very abstract...I diagree with the others, I think it's good the way it is.Very strange and different, whihc makes it awesome. Kickass work, even if it comes from practically nothing.

    Storm
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      Your shampoo was distracting? LOL! If your shampoo can distract you it seems that you lead a boring life, it's time to get out in the fresh air my friend and find some fun away from your shampoo bottle, LOL!
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. It's not bad, but not amazing. It does make me thing, though, so that's a good start. And I managed to find that I understood it, which is also a good thing, I don't enjoy being confused. Anyway. It's a good start, keep it up.

    {Kate}
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this has some potential. I'm not being rude when I say this, it's actually a complement, but it's a bit weird. You might want to try rhyming it, or if you want to keep it prose, try making it flow nicely. See what difference it'll make. If you want it to rhyme, try a dictionary and thesarus, they help a lot when writting. I think that if you edited it some, it could be really great, kepp working and hope all goes well with your restlessness.
    | Posted on 2005-10-09 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]


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