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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Too Muchdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 791
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 980



    Description:
       Just started thinking about pain last night- How sometimes it can just be too much.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToo Muchdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She seems to be so strong,
    And then she lets that one tear fall.
    The carefully constructed facade slips away,
    And again, she can feel it all.
    The pain is just too much to bear
    And it's so much more than she can take.
    Can you see how much it hurts
    As her shoulders start to shake?
    So many memories tend to overwhelm,
    And too much love overflows.
    Too much pain can tear you apart.
    A heart denied can only slow.
    Her pillow dries only to be wet again,
    When she begins to weep.
    The only relief she ever has
    Are the stolen moments of a dreamless sleep.
    Hurtful words all seem to maim.
    Depression threatens to kill.
    Time passes with no meaning
    Until her heartbeat stills.
    Too much love can overflow.
    It's too much for someone to take.
    She came to despise the sound of her heart.
    A love suppressed will turn to hate.




    Submitted on 2005-10-10 09:24:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, I never expected the ending. I liked it though, the poem really conveyed it's story well. I think you should put it into four line stanza's for your rhyme scheme because it makes it easier to read. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and liked the imagery that went with it.
    Laura-Grace
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      u kno that it almost feels like ur telling my story..my friends think i'm strong and don't cry and one person went as far to ask me if it was fun being dead but really inside i am weak,crying and well i'm dead on the inside only minor times does my happy face slip and show that i'm dead...i love your work
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Dark_Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      I vave to agree with Ron this was an exceptionally well written piece bravo. I really liked how you, i dont know how to describe it...filled (for lack of a better word) the piece with such emotion and realism it's an undeniable classic piece well done.

    Kuddos,
    Jermaine.
    P.S. Im adding it as a fav.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      this is an extremely well written poem about a person suffering from depression
    as i have been in a state of clinical depression many times before i realise where the true feelings are coming from in this poem
    you have let out a lot of emotion which in return will help you heal
    i cant stree enough my favorite quote
    to evrey negative there is a positive
    i live by this

    keep writing i really enjoy your work it is heartfelt

    Take Care Of Yourself

    Be Positive
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It was pretty good, I found, though, it was shaky at the begginning, just with the flow/rhythm (I hate commenting on those things, but this time I felt I had to), I just couldn't get into the piece as much as I wanted to. And it also seemed just to simple, like the pain wasn't there, or it really wasn't 'Too Much' I just didn't (at first) feel the pain from through the words, which I think would be neccessary in a piece like this. Near the end though, the rough edges were smoothed, and I was able to get into the piece more than at the begginning, which is what, I think, saved you. (whoa, I feel like an American Idol judge...*shudder*...)
    I did enjoy the piece though, it conveyed that hidden hurt found in so many people, that if they would just talk about it, or realize why they're hurting in the first place, it might be so bad. So ya, thanks for the write...keep it up

    ~Anarius~
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Anarius | [ Reply to This ]
      Fantastic piece, indeed. The wonderful wordplay kept my interest all throughout the poem. My only main beef is this: The poem did not seem unified. Lines came up at random, not seeming to really have much to do with the line before it. There wasn't really a specific flow, just a large conglomeration of a bunch of lines relating to the theme.

    Nice job, though. Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this. A reader could take it to mean different things, which allows us to come up with out on conclusions. Very good. I liked how your words flowed together smoothly. This was an extremely emotion piece and i just loved it. Very nice. Thank you for sharing it with us.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Sweets | [ Reply to This ]


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