Currently suffering by Wolfeye

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Submission Name: Currently suffering dots

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Author:	Wolfeye_666
ASL Info:	14/M/Canada
Elite Ratio:	6.53 - 140/112/21
Words:	110

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	275
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	709

Description:
I am suffering, plz end it now...

Currently suffering dots

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You miss me,
You really do,
When I’m not with you,
I suffer,
Because you’re the only one who can make my day,

I love you,
And somewhere in you,
I know you do too,

End my suffer,
You’re the only one that can,
And I know you will,

End it now,
Remember all the good times we had,
We laughed,
We had lots of fun,

And this is why you miss me,
I suffer every day,
Every hour,
Every minutes,
And every seconds,
So end my pain now,

I know you can,
I know you will,
Because somewhere in you,
You still love me…

Submitted on 2005-10-10 10:02:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a very good and sincere poem. How very sad this reads to me. It sounds to me like someone you are no longer with but still very much in love with and cant stand to be without her. This is indeed an awful feeling, that doesnt really justify how bad this feeling is...really sucks...ok...maybe that is a little closer. You have done a good job of expressing your feelings in this poem. It speaks with a sort of desperation and longing. The ending here, the last stanza is really good. In fact it is a perfect way of ending this poem. Very nice! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-10-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Just some suggestions - check your syntax and grammar. I know you're only thirteen which is cool, so don't think I'm trying to bomb your parade - far from it.

Too many commas in this piece. It kinda distracts me a bit. Some lines are too long, especially line five. It should be 'end my suffer(ing)' and no 's' on minute and second. Just a few little things.

I copied and pasted this into notepad to see how to brush it up a bit. I ordered it into six line stanzas. Dropped all the unnecessary commas. Kept your capitalizations.

Now this is just a suggestion so take what you like and ditch the rest. So here it is:

You miss me,
You really do
- When I’m not with you,
I suffer
For you’re the only one
who can make my day

I love you,
And somewhere in you
I know you do too
- So end my suffering,
For you’re the only one
That can and will

So end it now
- Remember
All the good times
We had?
We laughed,
We had lots of fun

And this is why
You miss me
- I suffer every day,
Every hour,
Every minute,
And every second

So end my pain now
- I know you can
And I know you will,
Because somewhere in you,
You still love me...
Don't you?

Yea, hope this helps man.

Jase
| Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  the message is quite clear to me you are suffering in love. love does that, you think it this great thing and it is sometimes. but the downside of it is so toxic so dangerous that sometimes it could make a person wonder and ask the question: is it all worth it? 9th line add "ing" and take the "s" off seconds. I don't like to do that on a poem like this but maybe you want to show this to your "love" and a sharper looking write helps. favorite part......

"Because somewhere in you, You still love me…" well done,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  With youth comes a certian wisdom (doesn't someone say that? If not then It's mine and you can't have it lol) But no this was so great i remeber when i was your age (I make myself sound old) and i wrote poems like this. Just like everyone loved the poems i wrote i love this poem. You have alot of skill and i can't wait to read more from you.
Much Support
Danni
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't beleive how lost I am in this site :S lol Thanks for helping me find the comment box...Anyway I like ur poem. See I'm adding more?

A bunch of spaces but still more...Lol..I'm tired and I laughed to hard from being so blind and not seeing the box.. U kno what? This poem touched me.. I mean like the heart touched me.. It so sad and loving..
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Dark_Angel | [ Reply to This ]
  aw, wow. look at you, getting better all the time.
this is truly amazing.
it was so touching.

you put so much into this i think, your feelings. you have no idea how much i love this.
its so powerful.

'I know you can,
I know you will,
Because somewhere in you,
You still love me…'

that is the line, its the one that really hurts.
listen, if you ever need to talk you know that im here for you. always.
again, i love this.
you did an amazing job
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]

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