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Unfinished Scars


Author: bosse22
ASL Info:    22/m/maine
Elite Ratio:    5.2 - 22 /25 /5
Words: 183
Class/Type: Poetry /The pain inside
Total Views: 837
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1333



Description:


this poem is one i wrote while serving in the army in baghdad, iraq, in 2004.
this poem expresses my pain and sorrow that i dealt with when i found out that my significant other was being unfaithfull to me while i was half a world away fighting for freedom.
i would greatly appreciate any and all constructive criticizim on this peice, as well as if anyone who reads it can relate with it, and or... if someone can read it and view it through a different "lens" and tell me what they see my words to potray or mean to them. and of course tell me what you think, thank you so much for your time


Unfinished Scars



Not quite prone
no signs of pain,
this is not my home,
or so you say

i see no tears
we were getting better
trade in our years
so self-centered

your wings
fall away
with your innocence
in every word you say

never felt,
i never felt this feeling
never had
anyone who gave a fuck
by your hand
by your hand i'm bleeding,
by your hand.. i'm cut

now i'm
unsure why
so hollow inside
i, cry

how long
is too long
untill this heals
and i can feel again

reality
still fucks with me
too blind to see
through scars that never leave

never felt,
i never felt this feeling
never had
anyone who gave a fuck
by your hand
by your hand i'm bleeding,
by your hand.. i'm cut

all i've felt
a dormant state of feelings
never had
anytime to realize it

assumption making
contemplating
all i'm facing
it never ends
so there is no
time i'm wasting

now by your hand,
by your hand.... i'm cut.




Submitted on 2005-10-10 18:20:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  First, I must say is that I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you have since healed or found some closure. Now onto your poem. I enjoyed the deep feelings of pain you expressed. Although I'm a fan of short lined stanzas, I feel with this one, you may need to say more and try not to short a sentence just for style or format. I also noticed your rhyming was off a bit, for this reson I would suggest free verse or no rhyming at all, and jut let the words flow. Your imagery was good. And your poem was easy to relate to and feel your pain. Overall, good, but needs a little more work.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I too can't even begin to understand what it is like to be fighting a war. However I grew up a military child, my father and currently my fiance are part of the military. We as civilians hurt to, not nearly as much as you do I am sure, but ours is emotional and hatred for the governement for taking our loved ones away. Just always remember you have the american people and your family here to support you.
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by angel_eyes9701 | [ Reply to This ]
  To begin I am very sorry, and I will not even try to relate because I can't even come close. The poem is full of emotions, but the way you layed out and peiced the words together gave the poem a sofisticated feeling to it. The way the words were small stanzas and lines, made me feel the longing, evn my the shape of the poem and letters it seemed to me like a tear trickling down the face.

About the poem in particular, sometimes I dn't like poems that repeat lines, but this one did an excellent job with the repitiion, reminding the reader how horrible and hurt this has caused you. The line that really stood out was: "trade in our years
so self-centered"

Those words alone capture the anger the pain the sadness of this reality, again I am very sorry, and will be here if you need to talk. Anywya look up, the stars are always shinning!
take care,
much love
kaity
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]


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