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goodbye from my life

Author: bosse22
ASL Info:    22/m/maine
Elite Ratio:    5.2 - 22 /25 /5
Words: 212
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 920
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1439


this is meant to be a sort of .. motivational poem for me or anyone who can relate to being betrayed by a loved one or just being pushed around too much by others, society, government or just feel the need to be liberated by whatever is holding them down and is doing them wrong. let me know what you honestly think, and if you can relate and if you get a different message from the poem, i'd like to hear any and all feedback you can give, thanks for your time.

goodbye from my life

Gain intensity
as you squeeze through my wounds
loss of sanity
with a malevolent smile
your tears of sorrow
only in the black light
my chest grows shallow,
all is released with a sigh

today i'm moving on to live whats left of my life
live it one way
live it my way
now you've vanished from the stage

i will kill you, now prey
just close your eyes
'cause theres nowhere left to hide
i swear that this time
this is good bye!!!

you've threatened me
never gave the guilt a rest
become sick and fatigued
of you being too obsessed
and i shed tears of sorrow
i dont believe any of your lies
my chelst grows shallow
i'm through playing put down the dice

today i'm moving on to live whats left of my life
live it one way
live it my way
now you've vanished from the stage

who put you
in controll
of my choices?

i'm faint
i'm dizzy,
i'm down and out

there are just way
too many

i will kill you, now prey
just close your eyes
'cause theres nowhere left to hide
i swear that this time
this is good bye!!!!!

Submitted on 2005-10-10 18:56:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I commend you for taking a stand with your life and then putting it into words. You've pretty much got the gist of what this poems needs as in improvement, so I won't beat a dead horse. I think you have potential, and I feel you can do so much better because you tap so well into your feelings. You just need to learn how to word it in a way that ic concise and vivid with details or imagery that pertain to the poem in question. Also learn to focus, knowing when to use imagery and when simple words are enough. It takes time, even I'm still in training! You must the desire to write, a passion that thirves within you and flows from your soul to your fingers, to ink and paper. If writing not a serious craft you wish to master, then disregard my advice. If so, ask questions, learn from others, read others, and lastly keep trying! I've enjoyed reading your work. I thank you for asking me to do so. If you ever need help. please feel free to ask. If I don't know, I'll find someone who does. I hope I did not offend you in anyway. if so, I apologize now. Please stay in touch.

| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  The feelings are so present and strong, just like your other poem, I do enjoy reading these types, but at the sametime it might come across better, in the sense that people can relate if you add some imagery and metaphors, for we all cna't experience this problem, and most hope never too, but to connect to your readers you have to give them something to latch onto, to give them something that allows them to feel the poem and connect.

Please don't take that the wrong way, I love your writting style, he lengthy draawn out stanzas are not bad at all, instead it allows the reader to linger on the thought and feel the impact these words and cations you are describing. I do hope you understand that i didn't mean to critisize just try suggest improvements that might help.

Keep writing and smile, it makes the world a better place.
much love
| Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know that I would be as harsh as Alia, however it does seem a bit choppy. Smooth it out a little, find a flow or a rhythm. Break the lines in order to remove some of the punctuation marks. Are you new to writing poetry? If so give it time, work with it before posting it. Play with different words, try to use metaphors to help paint a picture. If you want some help feel free to ask, I'd love to talk to you. If you aren't new to writing and you like it, in the end that's all that matters. Take care!
| Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by angel_eyes9701 | [ Reply to This ]

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