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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Their Gamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AshNight
    ASL Info:    18/F/Nowhereville
    Elite Ratio:    6.4 - 63/62/24
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 842
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       Ah, yes, another society sucks poem...I am planning on submitting this to a school wide contest so I would really appreciate any feed back and comments. Thanks in advance and I hope ya'll have a nice day!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTheir Gamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's a simple choice
    like a mask instead of a face
    with every laugh, a disgrace
    why not use your real voice?

    Walking, invisible, down the halls
    is a choice for you to stop and see
    she tries so hard to sink into the walls
    and hates who she must be

    Acceptance comes at a price
    giving up a ready laugh for a smirk
    becoming what you know isn't nice
    trading a good friend for a jerk

    All this for a nod and a name
    you end up playing their stupid game
    endless jerks, endless shame...
    a whirl of normality without a dream...

    Why?




    Submitted on 2005-10-10 19:49:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, to some extent, I'm going to copy what has already been said. There is definitely a lot of good emotional buildup here, and a lot of good thoughts about how stupid society actually is. Which is all a very valid point.

    Verse 3, line 3, it's "becoming" not "becomming." If you're submitting it somewhere, spelling is a good thing to make sure you've corrected, unless its done for styllistic reasons - but I don't think that was the intent here.

    Right, so styllistically, I think that to some extent, the rhyme scheme really brings down some of what you're trying to say. You're too tied down to it. Although, as has already been said, it's not too bad in the first verse. But that verse wasn't as forced. It feels a lot like you tried to force more of a poem onto the page after that first stanza, but weren't sure exactly what you were trying to say. So the whole thing feels somewhat awkward.

    On another note, I truly like how you've ended the whole thing with the question. It leaves you with something to think about, and something to reflect on, which is always good when you're entering a piece into some sort of contest. That last line also does a nice job of tying the whole piece together. Up until that point, it feels a lot like one line ideas pushed together into verses pushed together into a gigantic piece. I think what needs to happen here is that you need to find a more common idea that can tie the piece together into a more flattering unit as a whole.

    There is definitely a lot of potential here, though. You've already got the necessary emotions, and the necessary ideas. You just need to find that last little bit to tweak everything together so that it all fits as nicely on the page as it does in your own mind. Good luck, and I hope I was a little bit of a help...!

    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      Good ideas, Good expression... But the format on the first stanza was by the far the best.. I could feel the flow though, it just seemed stronger in the first stanza..Nothing much to say about this piece, because there is nothing really wrong with it.. i mean you possibly try using some more expressing words, but sometimes overdoing it is not always the solution, people would be amazed at how far simplicity will take them... And this piece is a good example.. Nice little piece of work
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by daniel05 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, seems like there is a lot of emotion built up, and the way you express it in your writing is wonderful. There is a slight rhyme to it, it's nice. I know what it's like to play that stupid game, to be on both sides. I turned my back on true people to gain acceptance from those who didn't care, and then I have been that person who is true and been turned on and left behind. Hang in there, eventually they will see who you really are and realize that you are the person who has always been there and will never betray you. Good Luck with everything, I am here if ya need someone.
    | Posted on 2005-10-10 00:00:00 | by angel_eyes9701 | [ Reply to This ]


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