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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Take-Backsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: camoflage
    ASL Info:    16/f/nc
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 459/295/71
    Words: 258
    Class/Type: Poetry/Betrayal
    Total Views: 1264
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1211



    Description:
       this was written right after i got out of a bad relationship, so take it however you want to, i'd like to see how you see it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTake-Backsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish I could take back every trusting look,
    and every single smile
    I wish I could take back the way you said good-bye
    and deny each and every butterfly.
    I wish I could un-take
    The heart I gave to you
    I wish I could unbreak
    The heart you broke in two.
    I wish I could show you inside of me
    all the anger all the hate
    That I allowed you to create.
    I wish I could take-back
    all the regret you placed in me,
    all the shame others are to blind to see.
    I wish I could take back
    the heart you made me break.
    I wish I could untake
    all the self-loathing, all the hate.
    I wish i could undo
    the test run I gave you.
    I wish I could take back
    the friendship you ruined for me,
    I wish I could take back
    the way you changed me,my friends couldn't see
    I wish take-back's and undo's did exist for me
    but it couldn't, that's not real life, for if it was,
    I would have already taken back all the things you did to me
    and all the regrets you left with me




    Submitted on 2005-10-10 20:23:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is good sam but the bad thing is you put to many i's but i told you that already. I was there when you wrote that and i was one of the first to read it after you wrote it in school.
    but i will tell you this it is really good.
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by inuyasha_s girl | [ Reply to This ]
      There were a few good lines here and there, such as "I wish I could un-take / The heart I gave to you / I wish I could unbreak / The heart you broke in two." Unfortunately, there were quite a few mediocre lines that really didn't stand out. As a poet, we have to be sinister and cruel to our words. If a line isn't adding anything to the poem, we've gotta cut it. "Murder your darlings," a great poet once said.

    Beyond that, there was an instance where you carried your usual two line un-broken stanza to three lines, and that caused me problems.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]


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