Description: This one has quite a story behind it. I'd rather not get into it though, so making it all shorter, my pencil broke as i was writing a depressing piece. I'll debate on posting that one up later. But all comments are accepted.
The pencil you gave me for Christmas
I swear to god I am
I didnít mean to break it
It was completely accidental
I thought about how living is getting to be
Another optional part of the menu
And how assignments and tests
Irritate me only further
Etching away on the pale paper
I started puncturing it
With numerous holes
Until it was pointed out that I had to replace it
With another wasted sheet.
And I started writing all this down
With frustration and regret
Sweating tremendously on the side
With the children watching like birds
Ready to peck my eyes out,
If I somehow damaged the paper
Faster and faster I began to scribble
The words soon became irrelevant and small
My hand it slightly swayed
Just a little though
So the pencil it just slipped
silently it broke
like the classroom.
Into a million useless pieces
I feel some sympathy for the people who don't 'get' this piece, as if a broken pencil/torn paper were the ultimate reasons for the write. This sounds like an overworked and frustrated student about to explode/implode under the weight of expectations grown heavy as lead. The fact you apologize in advance suggests you'd like to defuse further disappointment before it becomes another chore to be dealt with at an inopportune moment. As stream of consciousness as can be done. Very nice imagery.
This is most interesting. I found this to be very thought provoking and the emotions here are well expressed. I found this to be very sad and your frustration and distress are very well evident with your words. I think overall, you could tighten this up a bit and get rid of some unnecessary words. I think your expression is good though. I can feel the sense of being overwhelmed with life as I read this. It gives a real sense of urgency too. Pretty good write here. Not sure what kind of write this is but pretty good. Take care.
the paper broke. the pencil broke. you're breaking down.
regarding the form, the punctuation is not neccessarily the problem. you write. like your writing. not like a poem. i think there's too much unneccesary words. like I. and and. and other 1-3 letter words. take them out and put in your emotions. your state. why are you writing this? make it personal. make it haunting.
i like the story. i do. i like the children's eyes. i like the irrelevant words. i like sweat.