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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Explosiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: orderly conduct
    Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 51/80/36
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 802
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1048



    Description:
       This one has quite a story behind it. I'd rather not get into it though, so making it all shorter, my pencil broke as i was writing a depressing piece. I'll debate on posting that one up later. But all comments are accepted.
    -thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsExplosiondots
    -------------------------------------------




    The pencil you gave me for Christmas
    Is broken
    Im sorry
    I swear to god I am
    I didnít mean to break it
    It was completely accidental
    I thought about how living is getting to be
    Another optional part of the menu
    And how assignments and tests
    Irritate me only further
    Etching away on the pale paper
    I started puncturing it
    With numerous holes
    Until it was pointed out that I had to replace it
    With another wasted sheet.
    And I started writing all this down
    With frustration and regret
    Sweating tremendously on the side
    With the children watching like birds
    Ready to peck my eyes out,
    If I somehow damaged the paper
    Faster and faster I began to scribble
    The words soon became irrelevant and small
    My hand it slightly swayed
    Just a little though
    So the pencil it just slipped
    silently it broke
    like the classroom.
    Into a million useless pieces




    Submitted on 2005-10-10 22:26:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I feel some sympathy for the people who don't 'get' this piece, as if a broken pencil/torn paper were the ultimate reasons for the write. This sounds like an overworked and frustrated student about to explode/implode under the weight of expectations grown heavy as lead. The fact you apologize in advance suggests you'd like to defuse further disappointment before it becomes another chore to be dealt with at an inopportune moment. As stream of consciousness as can be done. Very nice imagery.
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is most interesting. I found this to be very thought provoking and the emotions here are well expressed. I found this to be very sad and your frustration and distress are very well evident with your words. I think overall, you could tighten this up a bit and get rid of some unnecessary words. I think your expression is good though. I can feel the sense of being overwhelmed with life as I read this. It gives a real sense of urgency too. Pretty good write here. Not sure what kind of write this is but pretty good. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      the paper broke. the pencil broke. you're breaking down.

    regarding the form, the punctuation is not neccessarily the problem. you write. like your writing. not like a poem. i think there's too much unneccesary words. like I. and and. and other 1-3 letter words. take them out and put in your emotions. your state. why are you writing this? make it personal. make it haunting.

    i like the story. i do. i like the children's eyes. i like the irrelevant words. i like sweat.

    this has potential. no really.
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      Your lack of punctuation made me not read the rest of this piece. There's one period. Other than that, this is one big run on sentence.

    The feeling was good, the form wasn't.

    Definitely room for improvement.

    Good luck xoxoxo
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by Lipgl0ssed | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmmnn....this is a strange old write but it works. Your lack of punctuation creates a sense of urgency, an almost feverish rant.

    I do like the image of the children who watch like birds, ready to peck the eyes out.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by adamastor | [ Reply to This ]
      So your pencil broke and you decided to write a poem about it? Hmmm... I don't really get it either, sorry!
    Can you explain it?
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by psycho_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      THis is like an emphasis on such a small, delicate thing. Pretty okay, but I kinda don't get it. Perhaps if you summarise the story behind it, I'll look it up again.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by RyukiTZR | [ Reply to This ]


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