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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mr. Right (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Spiderwebb123
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 22/26/12
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 304
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 751



    Description:
       Even though this says revised, it is really different. This is about a friend of mine. This is kind of a combination of my last two poems. Let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMr. Right (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I think about
    a guy who is my friend,
    I see a pretty picture,
    inside my head.

    I like this friend very much,
    But he doesn't really know I exist.

    He's reliable and dedicated
    He's a real man of God.
    And when I see him working,
    I know he's no fraud.

    He works hard when he needs to,
    But also knows how to relax.

    I love to be around him,
    I can hardly stand being apart.
    I wish he was my boyfriend,
    But someone else owns his heart.

    Perhaps someday he'll realize
    That I am standing here.
    Standing and waiting, but not acting...
    out of fear.




    Submitted on 2005-10-11 10:08:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm not too sure about the ending, BUT I do like the feelings that you put forth in this poem. I do believe that it needs maybe a bit more depth to sound a little less ordinary.
    I know this feeling very well of wanting so bad for something more than just a friendship with someone and they just don't know that you feel that way. It's hard to watch from the sidelines-you gotta grab the bull by the horns and make him see! lol
    Seriously though, you are wonderful not interfering with the happiness that he's feeling, hopefully everything will work out for you, cause I know how much it does hurt! Keep writing!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sorry, but this poem was pretty mediocre. Absolutely nothing about it stood out to me. It all felt like plain words and phrases put on a paper, without any real poetic devices employed besides rhyme. I couldn't connect, as there really wasn't anything there to connect to. The rhymes themselves weren't too bad, as I liked how you used words that aren't often used together, such as "God" and "fraud". I liked that slant rhyme in the first stanza "friend/head".

    Overall, it just felt like a shell. If you ever do revise it, try adding a little more oomph into it.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. It has a nice flow to it and the rhyme is good without sounded forced. I also like the story behind this as well. It must be so difficult to feel this way for a friend and see them with someone else. It must be hard to hang around with them just as friends when you feel so much for this person. And because another relationship is involved now probably isnt the best time to confess your feelings. If that time ever does come, you should make sure it is the right time to tell. You wouldnt want to damage a friendship and this is just the thing that could do it. Or, it could very well be the best thing you ever did...timing is everything! I like this one very much. Nice! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]



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