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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Valley of Deathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dreamweaver
    ASL Info:    28/f/WI
    Elite Ratio:    7.22 - 1022/443/42
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1436
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 825



    Description:
       Just thought about what it would be like the instant you leave this world.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsValley of Deathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Fearlessly walking down this alley,
    my eyes come across empty souls;
    no heaven or hell to behold.

    All around me,
    never a direction nor a destination.
    I feel my own soul slowly breaking away.

    Years of pain and confusion
    unfold before me.
    My thoughts fade like the setting sun,
    that will never again wake me from the dark.

    The walls appear to be closing in.
    My thoughts run together,
    no longer able to hold onto my sanity.

    Alone,
    no longer am I one.
    So many questions unanswered,
    words left unsaid-
    feelings that will never be known.

    The past is lost to yesterday,
    the future is gone to tomorrow,
    the present is stolen,
    by the here and now.




    Submitted on 2005-10-11 18:29:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ahhh... the great mystery of life. What happens in the hereafter. Do we go to the big round up in the sky or do we go to hell or just nothing at all and we rot in the ground.

    I like this piece. Twas' very thought provoking and very well written. I was had one thing I felt I needed to point out because I felt it was weird. In this line

    "Fearlessly walking down this alley,"

    In your title you have valley yet in this you have alley I just felt I should point that out . Besides that like I said this was good and I like it. Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Candi,

    Was looking through your profile and saw a few nice titles, so i thought i'd read a few....
    Hope you don't mind....
    I liked this piece particularly because i myself am wondering what lies behind the wall after life.... Someone should really die one day and come back and telll the world what it was like...THere are so many theories out there but never the truth....Pretty much getting tired of reading all these different theory which all look plausible....

    Anyhow, about your piece...I thought it was very short and up to the point....I like your style of writting...You write as though you write from your heart ans that's a great art accomplished....

    Anyhow, just wanted to say that....I know you have a lot of comments already but i just wanted to say these things....

    Hope we meet again soon....
    Take care...

    Irina
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      If I was to read this as a guide on what happens when you die, I would guess that we lose our identities. The soul, body, and mind separate. So what's left if anything? -is the question plaguing me. Do we exist in any way at all?

    I'm not sure what I believe if anything. There are so many illusions in this world it's hard to truly know what's real.

    I had a dream a relative of mine was going to die soon a couple of months before she did. I knew an acquaintance of mine had cancer before she did, but didn't tell her (I chickened out) and she ended up dying of it a year later. I knew my exes home would burn down to the ground six weeks before it did. I'm not sure what any of that means though. I think it means there's such a thing as fate. Perhaps time really is an illusion....okay I'll stop now. I think I got off topic a bit...sorry.

    "So many questions unanswered,
    words left unsaid-
    Feelings that will never be known"

    I was bed-ridden a few years ago for a few months. This is when I first started to realize that I was perhaps living on borrowed time. Initially, I thought of these three things quite a bit.

    "Fearlessly walking down this alley,
    My eyes come across these lost souls"

    Sounds like downtown Hamilton. LOL
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      The more I read this, the scarier it gets. I get the feeling of an afterlife from this, basically from the soul references and
    My thoughts fade like the setting sun,
    that will never again wake me from the dark.


    What's spooky though is the kind of afterlife it seems to be. It's not heaven and hell,; it's not reincarnation; it's not just falling asleep and ending either. It's ending, but you're conscious as you do it. Bit by bit, you feel yourself ending.

    I feel my own soul slowly breaking away...
    My thoughts fade like the setting sun...
    The walls appear to be closing in...
    My thoughts run together,
    no longer able to hold onto my sanity.


    <Insert scream of terror here>

    It's kind of cold in here.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey dreamweaver,

    I will say this like they said it on Don't Be A Menace to South Central while drinking your juice in the Hood: THIS SOME GOOD SHIT! I LOVE YOUR WRITTING! It's crafty. I think you should continue to post things on here forever. I look forward to reading more of your works. You have a natural talent. Keep up the good work. Thank you for blessing me with the presence of your passion whick lies within your writting.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, how much page is left, I'll look so I do not over step the ability of the server!
    I wonder; does it matter what words you use, small ones or long exasperating and verbally complicated ones needing to be looked up?
    I always thought it was the message contained.
    I actually could see a "Valley of Death" senario in every stanza, what ever you believe. Even an ethiest might agree with the final one, while all others could definately see it well covered.
    So which ever it is, a valley or some alley, dark with many unanswered questions, Death awaits everybody.
    We will not get out of here alive even if you man a spaceship with its heading bearing all ahead full, give me more power Scotty!
    It made me think of my awaiting end, some day somewhere, somehow or with a whole lot of luck maybe a transformation into the Angel I think I am! Hahaaaa!
    Nice reading you my dear, and many many many thanks for reading my attempt to infuse a sonnet in everybodys mind.
    LATER.
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      ok I don’t know how deep you want me to go here into this, but let me know if i was even remotely close.

    first the title and its relation to the context of the work. the title is called "valley of death" valley taken to mean for me not a low point as far as geography but instead a state of being.
    what you have is “fearlessly walking down an alley” my views usually or based on feeling or what I “see” sometimes I can extract (a) different meaning(s) for (a) given word(s). in here I see “alley” an alley a enclosed area usually narrow so if you were to look you would see what is ahead and behind and the feeling I could get from this is claustrophobic or maybe a tense feeling. claustrophobia in and of its self would lead to a feeling of tenseness. now you see empty souls in an alley this seems like the character/you is crowded. with no heaven or hell to behold this leads me to believe a couple things: one the writer does not subscribe to mainly the Judeo-Christian belief of heaven and hell yet one must note that heaven and hell type scenarios do exist in other cultures as well. the second inclination I have is that this reality is a middle ground before such an ultimate reality would exist a purgatory of sorts, stuck on the earth plane or earth like plane after death. other options would have to be open such as near death (not finalized) and a out of body experience.

    “never a direction or destination” this has me feeling that depressiveness of the whole situation and that this “reality” has no purpose beyond merely an existence. “I feel my own soul breaking away” this is quite a dramatic look at oneself and begs the questions: is the breaking away a pulling of the soul or is it the reality affecting the soul in a way that the being there is making one collapse? “years of pain and confusion” now taking it out of the sensory view to the reflective thought of past experiences. “my thoughts fade away like the setting sun” this is a powerful statement so far the most powerful one. ones own thoughts fading away would strike me as something dreadful and the setting of the sun as a mood amplifying apparatus helps bring the losing thoughts line more terror to behold. the next line seals in that dreadful feeling for the stanza “that will never again wake me from the dark”

    “the walls closing in” I’m assuming these are the walls of the alley. this has greatly increased in claustrophobic feeling of the first line. my thoughts run together now these would seem like other thoughts beside those that have faded of course stating the obvious there. run together is interesting and has me ponder: if one has a severe mental illness would thoughts be such as the ones described here? the next line has made the effect better yet it is very pain though “no longer able to hold onto my sanity”

    “Alone” separated from the rest of the context, I like that. “no longer am I one” that does represent a little conflict. unless the one can be taken as being whole then I could say It is not a conflict. the next few lines are plain up until “feelings that will never be known” that is open there but don’t fret about it too much one can always fill in the blanks.

    the last chronological lines the past, present tense, and future. the past is lost, not just done but lost has me feeling saddened. but the present stolen I get a strong sense of loss and despair. the future is gone leave no remedy for the present situation. all that matter in this reality is the here and now.

    a moody piece with some questions raised but a real fine piece of work no doubt. it has made me put work into it and I hope I did it some measure of justice Candi.
    | Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Death - a subject we all must one day face. This poem reminds me of pergatory.. the place we supposedly dwell while "waiting our fate".
    Death is not something I like to think about, but do, at times. It's as much a part of life..as "life" I suppose.
    You've brought out some deep thoughts here that makes me realize (and thank you for that) that life is a precious gift...and while we still have it, we should treat it as such.
    Well written .. and compelling to read.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Death awaits you all with big nasty pointy teeth(quote from a monty python sketch)mankinds greatest fear,along with time the thing we have absolutely no control over when it happens and so far as i know except for myth noone has come back and conclusively proved just what occurs at this point.Which makes for a great breeding ground of imagination and speculation both of which you have managed to capture through this write and powerfully concluded with a great last stanza which is my best part
    Graham
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, again with not taking up a whole page lol... anyways, this was nice... well, in a bleak way... i've always thought of that instant when you die to be black, voidless, nothing, while you're waiting for the decision to deside your eternity... just another perception i suppose, but you described yours well. i like it
    _Kat
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'm not going to take up as much page space as some of the others *looking down with a grin* but I liked this. What I got from this is that sometimes, no matter what's going on, no matter how many are around, you just feel hopeless. I understand that alot. Great write, Candi dear.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, Candi, how'd you get the literati commenting on your stuff? I can't understand their comments, let alone their poems!..lol

    I liked it, it's a good guess at what happens...the age-old question that I guess we'll only know when it actually happens to each of us...or will we?

    Nicely done,

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is very interesting and thought provoking. Honestly, death scares the sh it outta me and I guess it is mostly the fear of the unknown. For all I know, maybe there is a better place to go when you die. But the thought of it freaks me out. I think because I have seen enough of it and touching someone who has died is so chilling in that they are so cold. That scares me. I hate being cold! And I wonder how it will happen to me, how will I die and that freaks me out too. I try to think of the best way to go and ya know, there aren't many of them! Peaceful in my sleep is probably the one I would prefer but then again if I think about it too much, I would get insomnia! HA! Ok...ok...enough about my phobia, sorry for my morbidity this morning but its raining and cold today haha! This was a chilling and dark poem. I think you did a good job writing this one and my favorite word in this whole write comes in the very first line...fearlessly. I think that sets the tone for the entire poem. Nicely done Candi! Ok now I gotta go read something funny and get this spookiness outta my system! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      As with all good poetry, a lot of redundant words and explantions aggravate the cloth of poetry. Poetry is the food of imagination and the subletry of mean. Let's take,"Jack and Jill",
    they went up that hill for a specific reason. The reader has to fill in , for the readers own enjoyment , as to why they were going to get the water. The ditty was not about the water
    rather is was a wanton to be alone with each other. Tumbling down was figurative of something happened to that close friendship.
    Thusly, you have given the reader a fine rondevous in figuring out just what is being said.
    "Valley of Death," is a fine compilation of various thoughts and entreaties. One may think that the piece is about a stroll amongst "street people" or the author has been a street person. Again,the reader may be drawn to conclusion that a former drug addict is amending .
    I liked the last four lines in their illusive nature,"The past is lost to yesterday", it speaks that there is no thinking or recollection of the past. "the future is gone to tomorrow", of course tomorrow is the future,thusly there has to be another mean to the line. The line says that there is no looking towards the future. "the present is stolen by the here and now",tells the reader that lethargy has set in and the presnet is frozen by inaction.
    You have indeed mastered that which poetry is all about. Poetry is so worded and phrased that each time a piece is read new revelations and ideas crop up. This a why poetry gained its hey-day during the intellectual periods of history. From Homer and Euripedes to the Elizabethan era, poetry was a great intellectual pastime , sort of trying to figure out what the mean was.. But, poetry in these latter days ,devoid of free personal time to think and ponder, has poetry reading like prose as if poetry were supposed to be a novel or work of nonfiction. This lack of free time has greatly degraded the art of poetry.
    I would like you to continue along the way you compose your works. The age of poetry as a form of art is upon us,even knocking at the door. Since not many years hence senior citizens are to greatly increase in numbers with free time on hand to really be some intellectual thinking.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Here is a piece that has a lot of potential, but has been toned down to the point where all of the emotion is hidden behind enemy lines, and you are yet to break it free. By the way, I love your title, and I will admit that that is what drew me into reading your piece. However, past that point, the piece did tend to deteriorate.

    In your first verse, you ended up with a little bit of a rhyme scheme, which in this piece just felt wrong to me. There was something off about having a verse read as smoothly as it did there considering your choice of topic and what else was taking place in the piece.

    In the following verses, there is no imagery that is strong enough to continue the ideas that you have created, and that results in being highly detrimental to the piece itself. There's so much emotion that can be put into a piece, especially one about death, that it's a tragedy not to take advantage of that fact.

    In that regard, I strongly suggest that you go back and reread this piece out loud to yourself. If you want, do it behind closed doors where no one can hear you - I certainly do that all the time - but either way, try reading the piece out loud. Oftentimes you can see where you wanted more emotion, and where the flow of the piece can be modified. I think a lot of what I'm reading here can be fixed by hearing it read aloud, as the rest of what I see is something, not quite concrete, and is based more off of the feel of the piece than anything else.

    Keep writing!

    ~Zylle
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem didn't rise above a mediocre reading for one main reason: Nothing was incredibly fresh and powerful. Your word choice was notably passive and dormant, with no strong words leaping off of the page and throttling me at the neck. The poem was all one big abstraction, without anything really concrete in it to grab hold of. I couldn't connect for that very reason. There didn't seem to be anything tangible to relate to.

    So, though the wordplay might have been exquisite, the poem remains a pile of gunpowder, just waiting for the small spark that could have ignited it.
    | Posted on 2005-10-11 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]


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