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i love the way the cold air smells,
biting at my window.
i love the way the city lights burn out on my street,
darkening and shattering.
i love the way the taxis sound when they crash,
what a beautiful night for an accident.
so follow me where i lead.
but don't trust me,
i'll steer you wrong.
but take this bloody hand anyway,
i've got you right where i want you to be..
spin, dance, and twirl for me.
i've got you right where i need you to be.
| Good descriptions. Nice and colourful.|
The problem I have is your imagery seems disjointed. You could have tied it more closely together in places. The way your were describing the air was realy lending it life, smells and bites, like an animal... then you jump straight to 'city lights burn...' it was as if something cool was going to happen, then suddenly...
Also you could have tied in the 'cars crashing/accident/steering wrong' part tighter. The follow me where I lead part broke it in two. Maybe instead something like, so let me take the wheel? I think something like that would make the piece stronger.
Also the last line is a little too long to be a punchy finish; there's an energy to it all the way through and then just kinda trails off.
Just my thoughts. Keep it up.
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ] || yeah very kewl. but it was a bit short...unless you repeat the entire thing? if so maybe want to make a note about that:) anyway very very nice...'so follow me where I lead but don't trust me' that had to be one of my fav. parts.|
if heaven is on earth then hell is to come.
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ] || Oh my god...I've seen this in my dreams! (Well, maybe I'm just paranoid.) |
This is not bad, but its too short for a song, don't you think? A proper chorus and another one or two verses should do the trick. Sylables(Spell. check for me) don't match in each line, unless you sing in a way it sounds right.
But hey, its cool.
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by RyukiTZR | [ Reply to This ] |