I think that wilderness had a good idea on that comment. There seems to be nothing here that would catch my attention. I read it, and it was just words on the screen, and nothing more. I think this has potiential to be good, but right now, it's not.
Like the other person has said. THERE'S NO LIFE IN IT!
They are like 'bleah' You got this straight from your mind, that's all right, but have you ever thought about whether it'll work as a poem or thought? I believe its a no. I know its like bewilderment, wanting to know how she feels, you can take time touching on that part.
That second paragraph I typed was something like what you did except in nicer paragraphing, but no, its ain't well. Get some rhyming, some more descriptions of the FEELINGS rather than just 'you told me' 'they told me' blah blah.
I was kinda dissapointed, but oh well. Sorry if this angers you. Good effort anyways.
What have you done here? You've just given us a commentary, or just asked blatent questions.
There's no sense to it's format. The words seem to be placed the way they are for the sake of a poem. There is really nothing poetic about this: No colour, no metaphor, no alliteration... nothing that makes words fun.
If you are going to write in this structure, try and give it some pace. Count syllables, rhyme something here and there... whatever you want; just anything to lend it some life.