We have met in the morning, tired and guilty,
in the somnolent bus. You liked the way we fought
against its steep anthills;
the way the lilac sky outside
would drown itself under our feet.
With you, I blocked the whisper of the rotting leaves,
which danced and jeered in the window,
they promised me a white and straggly autumn,
against the haze of my homecoming.
To you, I hanged my silky curtains,
with flowers calling, then to die
around my neck, around your shoulders,
such pretty roses, tinkling cross.
But Red is rising, you have finger painted
my pain and waist into the blue,
I lit the candles, they quit trying
to outshine the rampant moon.
He didn't linger to remember,
he took me in the little sips,
and so I stretch, with red October
burnt clumsily into my swollen lips.
| i like the mood, red october, most people use the color blue or gray in conjuction with fall months, nice its really kool. its a well written piece at first glance given your age from profile glance your still in highschool. most people have a tendency ( self included ) to make angest poetry. although i can see how this might be translated as angst, i feel like it was more deeper meaning full almost hidden meaning then something as common as angst. anyway its a wonderful piece. very good balanece of rhyme and good descriptive words. on your vocab. all of poeple feel flashy words are better, anymore they are over used and over rate. good job on that... seriously its a great piece most of the time i give good feed back because most folk cant handle critizism. but this really is one of my favorites.||| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by one who rages | [ Reply to This ] || This is a beautiful piece with a lot of emotion, definitely one of the better pieces of original poetry that I've read in a long time, so bravo for you.|
I have one comment with regards to spelling/grammar and that is in your third stanza, you used the word "hanged." In this situation it should be "hung." I believe that hung also fits the rhythm of the stanza a lot better as well. Also, in your fifth verse, you chose to leave the word "red" in "red October" lower case, but throughout the piece, it feels as though "Red" should be capitalized, since you use it as a proper noun. This is also demonstrated in the fourth stanza, first line, when you do choose to capitalize "Red." I think in this case, consistancy would be nice, and that it needs to be consistant with capitalizing the "red."
Turning to your flow, there's a lot of good things you've done. In your fourth stanza for example, the words just seemed to flow out. Do you edit your pieces, or is this a first draft? Because if this is an edit, I would be curious to learn what type of editing style you use, to have your final product come out the way it has. Finally, I like your choice of words. Your choices gave the piece a lazy, still beautiful flow that did wonders to the piece. Plus, I think I appreciate the fact that you used some majorly beautiful words, like somnolent to add to the semi-mournful tone of the piece.
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ] || Doesnt seem like he hurt u much.. just feeling uncomfortable?... well i like the wordings.. since some werent common yet not impossible to figure out words. As for the style, It has flow so for me its A ok |
|| Posted on 2005-10-12 00:00:00 | by Depdem | [ Reply to This ] |